Inner monologues-ubiquitous narrator

How does the era of communication affect very communicative individuals?
Ubiquous narrator, that is. The narrator is not that observant to the small details, but does look in the essential inner of people, captures surroundings, smells and sounds, takes the best of it, subjectively.

My inner narrator is always looking forward to seeing someone or a group of people because there might be somebody among them she hasn't seen in a while. Taking account into people and impregnating of their thoughts or feelings makes the inner narrator collect parallel stories, sometimes interpret them, sometimes deconstruct them and choose a time to make up stories out of a sensation.

Has it ever happened to you? I realized mostly back in Barcelona.
Went running a few times, taking my usual routes. Being thankful of the sun in my face and the old fashioned songs dowloaded from my dad's collection.

As an example. The house under the bridge, the magic house I imagined so many beautiful things about. Everytime I run pass it, there were flowers, pets and smiles. A squatter tunnel house close to the bridge, so colorful, and so quiet beneath the busy surface of cars passing by. I sometimes imagined myself moving in there, hang around far from conventions.

The house was gone this last time, the flowers, the colorful place in an urban quasi decadent space... Concrete will be laid soon to build yet another road.
All these stories arose all at once in a split second. I reach a particular state when I run that makes me elaborate amazing stories and create tunes in my head.

All to the sound of Jeannette... Why do you go? Another bit of me gone, another story seen by the ubiquitous narrator that won't be told, which I never took a shot from to at least keep the visual bit to remember the stories.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2G-_lmBTrLQ

Lost words

My Philippines experience is coming to an end.

It is not a light thing to say. Some times you arrive at a place you have no big expectations and offers you way more you than you could have imagined.
That is the Philippines for me. So far.

I have been happily island hoping, jumping from boat to island or boat to the underwater world and made my most amazing diving experiences.

And while I have been feeling at home with the Filipinos I have bumped into and felt so close, the service branch has made me smile... Asian way. 100 people attending you but no real effectiveness. Yes ma'm sir and a whole lot of running around for you.
I reached the summit when I left my hut in a nearby island and a guy was waiting for me outside to know if my toilet worked Ok...

And so far for my last night in the Philis. I have seen the sort of concentrated beauty you need to see in 4 different countries, had the best fish ever and seen such underwater wonders I had to make efforts to control my breath.

On bad news I lost my traveling notebook with my fully inspired notes on sights and (my two favourite subjects, smells and sounds)
Sights are easy to show, and I will dedicate a whole chapter for the smells on each country, but soundwise...
Indonesia, Malaysia and Philippines have opened me a whole different world of music. And I am not talking about the Karaoke (here Videoke), the music scene has a whole new constellation in this corner in the world (as for Malaysia, where would you hear great rock combined with Islamic chants? and what about Indonesian Punk? and the great Philippino bands? aaahhhh, and I thought Peninsular South East Asia did it for me, and then... I have felt in an upward spiral of sensations, that makes it so hard to go back to the monochrome/monosound Vietnam...

Amazing picts of Malaysia and Phili are not compatible with PCs here, so I have to leave a few shots of my last night in Coron. I have been witness to a drag queen night I would have had to pay for otherwise.
Enjoy bizarre-ness for a change:


Pictures of our funny little Filipino bunch:







Ok, enough now. You get the picture.

Leaving Borneo, and sad for once

This has lasted short. I could have stayed weeks in Borneo, I just know they will be weeks to just hang around and my ambition to set foot in the Philippines won.

In this post I will hang some Bali pictures I had to share. And the Borneo impressions... Ahhh.

Kona Kinabalu got me to begin with. Such sunsets, such surroundings. Met a new travel buddy I painfully said goodbye today. As it happens, nothing lasts forever and you have to let go when you are starting getting attached... Or does it only happen to me... constantly?
On the first day we went to a nearby island, Sapi, where we got acquainted with the lizards, just hanging around there. The island was tiny and there was little to do, just a lazy day on the beach!




Trip up to the "selva" where we got to sleep in some basic cabins and where, at night we could hear the sound of the beasts and the crickets and the frogs. Like those CDs some people play in order to relax. It was our relaxing lullaby.

I used the good camera for the jungle pictures, from which I doubt I have a USB connection. Things at a time.
My highlight was to see a python in the wild, face to face. I love reptiles and it was just gorgeous! And we managed to spot a lonesome orangutan in his habitat, I think it was a she, actually...

The guys at the jungle camp were gold. At night we became entertainers. They'd grab a guitar we'll sing. I became the assigned singer, and I liked to entertain them and teach or share some songs. I also learned a beautiful song in Malay composed by one of them. Such a talented kid! I hold him close in my memory and really wish he grows to be the amazing person he is letting us see already. You should see his eyes, his eager to know, his passion for music.

I have returned from my first dives around Sipadan. Tomorrow is the big day and I get to see one of the most amazing underwater sights. If what I've seen so far is awesome I can't imagine what I will see.
I just got to spend one night in the Mabu island and really liked the environment. Divers would gather in the evening and let the night pass among stories and beers.
Weather is perfect, sites unique, food amazing and people don't hassle... Anybody would now understand my crush in Borneo and it hurts to go.

Below some post Bali pictures and some Borneo impressions, a few of many more to come.

Checking out to a live concert. A few weeks left and anticipating a sort of sadness, I just can't imagine to go back...



Transport in Gilli T



Any evening before sunset... How will I miss Bin Tang...



Another sunset on the Gilli beach.

Petons!

It keeps getting better

Lately I have lots of thoughts to share. It is this bit of earth, the Malaysian Borneo, which makes me want to.It is erally inspiring. Thanks Angel and Scott for giving me the greatest piece of advice prior to heading off to this side of the world.

After days of staying at fiends of friends this time, and unorganized with accomodation, I am flash backing to communal sleeping. Some other day to note how the generations have changed since I last checked in bunk beds.

I can't upload wonderful sunsets, fish and impressions of the last days in the Gilis, in Bali, not allowed in this hostel. Just one piece of advise to Bali goers: go straight to Gilis/Lombok or the south coast. I am going back to Bali (surely will go now and then) and that bit left me an impression to explore it with more time. North of the airport is sad and in a few years, the Gilis might be as well.

But well...

Love at first sight: Borneo - Kota Kinabalu. Sweet! Grinning since I stepped out of the aiport. Great weather, great food great people.

Spent a bit of the day with my new traveling buddies in Sapi, a near by island and I am heading off for some mountain trekking in the Kinabalu park, on the second highest mountain of South East Asia.

I would love to hang pictures, this is beautiful. I haven't seen much, but the impressions last in my mind like no other country.

En fin, ready to go. Hopefully will be able to show some fine shots.

PETONS!

They say images speak more than a thousand words. That would save me a few thousand...
Let's get it straight with the Bali-Feeling.

First, it is indeed a paradise, and to follow up, I am sleeping in a great house of an admirable survivor, in the middle of nowhere surrounded by rice fields and amazing, amazing people, so full of positive energy it is hard to imagine a better place or better moment.

BUT... What are we doing to the island? As soon as you get there you get a taken by the positive vibes of the place to see mediocre people are trying to turn it into a real state paradise for the ones who eat noodles all year and then want to pretend they are someone by having a jacuzzi. The rapid growth is making the small roads intransitable and soon enough the need of bigger infrastructures will be greater... And so we will move to change another paradise and make it ready to fit us, instead of us being ready to fit in it. In a way, I so very feel the island it somehow hurts me to see this.

At the moment I have found "the spot" and I am trying to get impregnated of its energy. The black sheep is called. A house for people who are not the same kind, a house owned by a Basque, I can surely relate and feel home.



View from the terrace.


We have been checking out the island and being on time for Yoga or a run on the beach.
At the moment I am just trying to set up the plan to become the ultimative surfing beyotch, but I have been too busy being too happy and loving the family-like feeling.




Above, death of a duck. There is a whole lot to explain in petit committee about this and in fact, I just did what had to be done. Pate!


Some picts more before closure and many hugs!
(I know my blogger account uploads in Facebook, to see the picts: )







Our big gorgeous gecko in da house!



And evil mokeys!

Epic, epic, epic

I have just topped up the best days in Singapore with a frozen soy latte. You have no idea what memories it evoqued me. So many I have decided already where I want to live. So I will do all possible to achieve my next life goal.

I came to Singapore from Vietnam to follow Amanda Palmer. The Halloween party and the two concerts were amazing and I achieved my mission: I kissed her, and had small talk with her, and she called me awesome. And I cried a lot and I got hugs from everywhere!





Not only the days were amazing, also the people I got to hang out with. Starting with the stranger who took me out for lunch and enlightened me. He was smart and made a point on things I was shocked to see we had so much in common. He is further, though, but I will get there.

The people I bumped into at the concert were also indescriptively inspiring. I can't hang pictures now as I am at the airport on the way to Bali, but I will try to re-edit this and add them.
We felt all close, and Amanda was so approachable she spread good vibes all over. I hope she has an idea on how she is making a difference in the music business. Music as art. Raw, personal. We pay, she works and delivers results. No divaing, no stupid distance. I can only admire her work and her independence.


Singapore is funny with all its control. Sometimes it made me think of 1984 or Huxley's "brave new world", all so scheduled, planned, controlled... I just met a film director who was explaining me that. The dreams of the youth shattered by the Singaporean "properness". If you get out of the path, you pay for it. Literally or with your life. But this great living standard shows a harsh dictatorship of capitalism. I didn't stay long enough to work out the theory, but this is my impression.

Moving on to Bali. Picts and stories will follow.

Much love!

why does it always train on me

Uf, coming closer to Singapore and all arrangements done for the 2 gigs. Only need shoes to go with my dress, my fantastic dress.

Once again, had a 14 hour train trip and slept like a baby. On hard sleeper. Which is like soft sleeper but more people. This time I shared with a bunch of guys and a woman.
I spent a lot of time Bali-dreaming, my next destination, AFPdreaming and (sorry) piesdemono-ing (for insiders).

When I woke up I had 3 people on my bed, imagine the surprise, and big slit eyes looking at me trying to find answers to my existence: age, marital status and children.
This time a guy served as an interpreter. A Vietnamese guy who spoke French. Told them about my many years, husbands and children. Asked a lot about Vietnam, got into social situation and the average Vietnamese conformity (and bit my tongue), when we got to religion I think I got them lost on my concept of believing in nature and the ancient sun worshiping cultures. From Siddharta's philosophy I got them into hippiesophy and due to the lack of following I left it there. Hippiesophy is a complicated subject.

But what was the surprise to see my bunk bed partner was studying Spanish... Showed me his books and he delivered proof to be on the right path.



Note a 12 hour sleep face...

I keep it short as well. Just back from Island-hopping in Nha Trang. No Mama Lihn's as I got too late for that and I am glad, as I could find a speed boat and enjoy very sweet company for lunch.

Also dann, I managed to loose the bottom of my bikini in a toilet and break again the fastening of the top, something is telling me it is time to buy a new bikini, nudism is not an option here, helaas...

Much love further, got me a room in Singapore right around the corner of the concert and I am going to try my best to deliver good reports!

pros and cons of single traveller-ettes

A certain person I spent a whole bunch of years with used to call me all the time "Einzelgaenger". I think I am quite far from it.
Traveling alone is just the consequence of not always finding available travel buddies, in my modest opinion.
I can adapt to anyone, but I tend to be the Einzelgaenger when traveling in groups. But just for moments a day, when I need to get lost for a bit. I carry that since childhood, ask my monitors in the Esplai or otherwise or my friends at university (Motto: wo ist Selva/die Katze).

Traveling in 2 has proven great as the margin of negotiation brings always 50% chance to reach consense.
I enjoy traveling. Chilled to enjoy moments, scenes or sights I consider enriching.

The pros of traveling alone have allowed me to change plans constantly and set off to an Amanda Palmer concert out of the blue and change my itinerary anti clockwise.

Writings on the train. I always like writing in motion. I shared compartment with Vietnamese. They opened up a newspaper wrap and shared a chicken. The woman with the child was like a talking machine, she started yapping with the controller and didn't stop to take a breath even when chewing.



The sound of her talking and her accent was very soothing and I felt asleep for 14 hours in a row. When she stopped talking I suddenly woke up and needed a cigarette break.
Longest-ever. I shared space with a Vietnamese guy. We exchange cigarettes unsaid. Then our conversation was driven by the power of math due to the language barrier. His packet cost 30.000, he was 50, was married for over 15 years and had 2 children. Then I left because he began to get touchy (as a friend calls it: the international language of love ???)

So far for a day's reflection. I am going on a crazy 3 day coast tour with Amanda in my thoughts.
Had a little tour in Hai Long. The light was amazing and could not capture it with the camera.





Hanoi was welcoming, but I see what I didn't miss. I think it was holding back for me to show me a one year stay wouldn't have been the best idea, although I would kinda yap Vietnamese nowadays... The city got me on jet lag and alcohol abuse. But I must admit the people who surrounded me these days were first class. No words left to express gratitude. They really made a difference, I tend to be really slow the first days and that was the little push needed to start off. I hope I can pay it back some day. It's a small world after all and it proves we keep seeing each other!

In Hanoi

day 2,
Aah, don't let time pass by...
I was looking for the cables of the camera to be able to upload at least a picture of Hong Kong, but I have to learn to organize my bags better (and start getting rid of stuff).
In any case Hong Kong was an amazingly strange and beautiful city at the same time. A metropole that felt laid back.
Or it was the company... Met a friend I hadn't seen in ages. Great to get to see people some times. Beer made its way and as I was jet lagging, everything start becoming dreamy and time passed by in a whiff.

Ha Noi is villagyif you have been to other Asian cities. As my friend put it: like a Chinese city but with a more tropical touch. Noise and organised chaos.

Being picked up from a fantastic human being at this moment who is going to help me establish a bit.
Party tonight and still no concrete plan to get out. Have to get organised. It is the downturn of travelling alone. I don't have a good freind to remind me of all the things I forget or leave behind.

Hope to be able to hang some impressions in the form of pictures.
Slept 12 hours straight, aah, feels great now and it's a beautiful day!

city of rejection

Day 0, some 24 hours before departure and spreading wise words: Make it intense.

Feelings are intense at the moment. Ready to leave behind memories. Closing a cycle where it opened:
In the city of rejection.

Some years ago, before I came to NL and lost a very relevant bit of myself I tried to continue my march into Asia by coming through a scholarship to both stay in touch with the university world and to start off in South East Asia, as my experiences there and further on that area always made me feel I belonged there somehow.

Memories take me back to that group of 8 candidates, I made friends with 4 of them, the ones I felt more enthusiastic about it, leaving behind the ambitious ones who looked over your shoulder.
My interview was like an attack. Assisting in teaching German as a second language. I studied the language as a second language and sold myself as a living example of a success case reliant in the German university system.
There I was sitting in front of a woman called Ann Butterworth, who had a very strong English accent.
I lost face when they asked me: how can you bring people closer to the German culture being a foreigner?
It annoyed me. I didn't think it was a stigma. I can still explain German grammar better than a German. My accent is not strong. How can then a Miss Butterworth get away interviewing me? How could miss B make it to organize an exchange program to promote German language as a foreigner then?

I remember what happened when I got the rejection letter. The other 4 candidates didn't get the position either. We called each other. We wrote each other. We shared the bitter taste of failure.
I tried applying 2 more times. Same results.
The third time I got there without even feeling like it. Take me or leave me. I don't understand your policy. I am a walking case of motivation. What else do you want?
I thought you could get something if you wanted it so badly. I guess I was wrong.

I could have stayed in my beloved Germany. But I moved. I detached from uni life. I missed it every day. After the 3rd rejection letter and an attempt to go overseas through other means I tried concentrating in building up, as life turned into a "professional life".
I haven't liked working for a company. It is alienating. I remember how much time I spent in the office at the beginning, writing songs and reading Sartre, Marx and Descartes.
I remember my dear flatmate, 'the thinker' and our interests in philosophy and art in general. I remember his writings. He remembers my dreams.

As time went by interests swifted. Reality check. The rest is history. Years later, on quiet days at work I choose a weekly obsession (autism, transgenders, overpopulation, dolphins, eating disorders, tantra, mental illnesses, amazing animals, Amanda Palmer, quantum physics, Annelise Michel, community channel, judaism, prophecies...). See how far they were from my post war poets or existencialists. Seen as diashow and it says enough. The mind slows down. The inquietudes fall in a slow slumber.

City of rejection, here I am. Show me why you didn't want me.

I am starting where I didn't begin. And you know what? Maybe I find out I didn't want you either.

Failures, successes

I once work at a pizzeria.
As a bachelor educated preppy girl I thought all I was going to find was a bunch of barrio people, the ones who find tossing a pizza a serious employment.
Nothing far from reality. Our pizza maker had a certification and was a pizza turning champion.
Silly to put it like this now, but for everybody but me she was like a big hero and I was slowly getting contagious from the overall "she is a master in pizzas" feeling.
My job was to deliver them. The first and only pizza deliver girl in the city.
Needless to say, that even provided a map, and in my neighbourhhood, my orientation problems won over my effectiveness in delivering pizzas on time. Also needless to say I had great fun biking around the barrio and enjoying the serious stress everybody had getting orders and delivering on time. Not that I couldn't be bothered, but I was indulging myself being understanding of my handicap. Funny enough and worth a study, people on, say, less advantaged areas were the ones ordering pizzas. Yeah, ok, I lived in a more high standard area, they probably go to proper pizzerias there if pizza is an option for an evening casual meal.
Anything around the more messy barrios was outer space for me.
Anyway, first failure. Ever. Despite my efforts not getting lost all_the_time, they didn't renovate my contract there.
For a higher educated preppy girl, working in a 0 intellectual effort job it was a failure (though getting around is already challenging for me. Whatever your views on my intelligence, it just works fine in very limited areas... The pizza delivering experience showed.)

More?? After that I worked in a computer company. I was good enough as the previous girl didn't know what a mouse was. User-oriented computer skills aside (which were quite decent at my age) I never, ever managed to keep all stuff in place. My job was to control in and outs of the stuff (yeah, like I am going to telly tell if someone was late), schedules, working progress, orders and, oh I hated it, taking calls, many many calls of things I didn't even know of. My failure was not being able to manage the call forwarding system and never knowing where people where. And of course not being able to play 'big brother' on my colleagues.
Ah, besides I was in the high flat leeching stage with my then-boyfriend and of course not getting any sleep at all ;-0, so all I remember was me being completely tired after 2 hours sleep, smoking like a champion and taking my break in a near mall to *sigh* nick some gorgeous dresses to show off when arriving home. Naughty girl.

More to it: I worked for the company of a friend. Lawyers. Delivering court cases, following on documents first hand (remember Internet was not there, so I was the e-mail sender). NO failure, but goodness, so clueless of instances and whatever all these docs meant, I really had to keep a cheat sheet to know what the hell I was talking about.

This all about failures. But wait for the successes, because they get more interesting.

The area I have first succeeded in is... prrrrrooom! Child care.
Amazing how someone not particularly moved by kiddies has made a freaking difference on them. No modesty. My skills on child psychology are intuitionist and surprisingly effective. I could handle any little bastard. Well, I am very affective, but merciless on their child quality, and maybe that distance, in which you don't stimulate kids as retards kinda worked.
And besides until God knows when and why, I have always been very close to my inner child, so with them I was on an equal level.

More to successes. Jobs related to the outer image. Shit and this is annoying. Whatever involves looking like a doll works. Using my language assets of course, but I have been a pole dancer, so go figure... My failure there was not being able to fake bimboness. i would have made a career otherwise. I suck at small talk and flirtatious emptiness. But believe me you have to be really smart to pretend you are dum. Ergo, I am not really smart. Or really pretty. So I guess I was trying to balance between the two of them.
But I have the moves... Pff, ok, enough.
And working on events. My extroversion always helped me. Although again my soft skills are questionable. But seems the combination of my outer grotesque+dressed like a doll+world knowledge made it to make a good impression. Fools, i know how to behave... for a while until you get me interested in something and I forget the role I am playing.


There you go 2 great skills: child care and pole dancing... Am I balanced or what?

Just a thought after loosing a job on skills I kinda lost interest on. But I am really happy I acquire. Until at some point I couldn't see the colours of it, the excitement.
In the end what I am best at is language teaching. It combines the theatrical bit, my motivation to share, the lack of small talk (anything you say can be valuable and absorved), being in touch with humans and the patience skills.

Anyway, that's how far I got from my memories back in the pizza days.

Today's feelings.

- There is someone here who is going to wake me up early in the morning. And I so not fancy it.
- All the others are just asleep. Multiplying by 0 doesn't take a mathematician.
Even I can do it!

The incredible eyes and the dirty girl

I have been biding time trying to get the image out, but it has caught me again today... Such amazing eyes I have seen these days, so long I didn't look into the eyes.

It all happened as I went to the doctor to remove my cyst. The doctor and the assistant were looking at my little horn/alien in my head while I felt the knife poking a hole in my scalp, yuks!
But that kept me little busy as I was much more into their eyes in front of me. I couldn't say if they are beautiful but they were definetely amazing.
Lagoon green both (I am a sucker for green eyes) and such a huge, huge eyeball it didn't fit in the eye and was kind of poking out, without even wearing contact lenses.
There I was mesmerized by the strange eyes that were fixed in me. Well, in my alien.

I asked them to show it to my. It was a puss bag with roots. I wanted to take it home, but I already have a half pension cat and plants so I didn't know where to put it... So cute and hungry!

So I am not allowed to wash my hair. And seen my condition the last days: sleep-wake-sleep-wake-eat-sleep I am definitely feeling like a daytime hikikomori with really filthy hair.
I have to admit I am being quite creative with the grease and the knots and I have added some fun to the filth. Hair is so sticky, anything sticks to it.

State of hair one week unwashed:




Dirty, dirty girl.

Today's feelings:
- I am mastering procrastination. At the moment I have 4 things running at the same
time and not doing a single one.
- A thought: As friends have said lately... I start admiting... I think I am
addicted to chaotic situations and turnarounds. Why? I am seeking proper guidance
to find out.
- Control freak on one side but just to ride twirls and turns... I am my own
tornado.

I used to be

You have no idea...
I was going through meaningful conversations, unfortunately once again analizing the sign of the times, that bit I always fought against, the one slapping you in the face...

I travelled once the Australian north coast with a drag queen and his 28 year old boyfriend, Max.
I remeber him so well... I remember at my 23s he kept repeating: when I was your age... I used to be/I used to do... That one person has remained in my mind because those 5 words stuck like a toffee as part of my memories.
And then, age apart I can kind of see myself telling to myself and only to myself: I used to be... To no interlocutor.
And then I remember my cigroneta explaining me, that depending who you expose yourself to you can reflect a totally different person and think: you ain't know me, some time ago in this same situation... Buf! Some time ago this wouldn't be happening, because I couldn't naturally care less. It is funny to see a similar self and act as the "I used to" and you se yourself acting as the one kind of person you thought you were so distant from, so not you.

Encrypted?
Pff, I am putting some thoughts in order, in chronological order, in the order of events and even against my principles, looking back to see where it all springs from.

Aah, reflective crap, cheap philosophy, but interesting to stop, think about it, have the time.
Time... and running that race against it. defying 2 years, getting the time back.
Just a few months wasted.
Not for long...
Incertesa, dolça incertesa...

Desalegorizando... o nada que esconder

Nada que esconder.
Los últimos años en NL han sido un viaje infernal a las cavidades del mundo de la soledad laboral. Ver morir un futuro y luchar por un presente que te presenta como la persona que no querías ser era la pajita corta que me salió como plan B, que me mostraba una nueva etapa, que no acogía con la ilusión de las otras.
Para animar el tema me enamoré perdidamente, pero ese amor solo traía sentimiento de culpabilidad y un dolor consigo que era como un reflejo contínuo de negatividad.
Tener a alguien en tu mente, en tu corazón, que no cree en ti, que te recuerda una y otra vez tus errores no era la guinda que necesitaba para decorar mi pastel. Más que un pastel era una plastaza de una materia que definiría como gris (qué ejemplo tan materializado cuando se derramó el cemento por las escaleras!) http://selveta.blogspot.com/2007_10_01_archive.html (1 OCT blog) y me engullía como si fuera la única persona en el mundo que tenía que encajar reveses en tiempo récord.
Las secuelas psicológicas, las emocionales ahí han quedado, ahí están, metafóricamente cicatrizando mientras encaro a alguien que ya se parece un poco más a la Selveta que conocía.

Pensar en esos meses, esos casi 2 años que se hicieron eternos todavía me conmociona. Estuve hace poco con mi familia y me di cuenta de que todavía no podía hablar del tema con ellos, que mencionarlo me hacia venir el maldito nudo, ese dolor que viene de la nada y me entra por la nariz y las lágrimas traidoras que apagan mi voz.
Prometí escribir sobre el tema para limpiarme en cierta manera y con mis escritos sublimar, matar esa rabia, ese odio a la suerte que nació en otros cuando decidí armarme de valor para cambiar la mía... Para mal.
En fin, ahi un pedacito de la rabia... Es la primera vez que la arrojo, así, al desnudo. No hace falta mencionar nada, nadie, se sabe.

Muchos me habrán visto en momentos duros de mi lucha (es fuerte decirlo), ni yo creía que sería capaz de caer.

A pesar de todo ahí estoy, después de haber pasado un merecido verano de segunda adolescencia (interrumpido por ocasionales contratiempos provocados por terceros). Después de esta efímera segunda adolescencia me siento adulta. Mucho más de lo que era antes de ser readolescente. He cambiado. Quizás porque me reflejo en un contraste a diario, y la imagen que me devuelve no me traiciona, aunque no es del todo quien quiero ser. Al fin y al cabo, sólo estoy descansando. Saliendo de la tormenta cualquier refugio es bueno... En mi subterfugio ya atisbo 'las goteras'.

Basta de alegorías.
Pongo al dia a aquellas personas que se interesan. Quería hacer un blog para escribir lo emocionante de la vida, para mantener a la gente que me importa al día y para dedicarle tiempo a escribir.

Ahora el blog se quiere convertir en un blog de viaje. De sensaciones... Porque si consigo ser quien quiero ser, habrá valido la pena sufrir.
No es tarde.
Dejo el trabajo, estoy intentando quitarme de encima propiedades para establecer prioridades...
Ya compré billete para viajar 3 meses. Y no es suficiente... Pero podré escaparme, perderme un poquito para buscarme.

Para las que he asustado con el tema 'pies de mono', sí, tengo intencion de plantarle cara. Y si lo llego a ver muchas cosas pueden pasar. Muchos cambios...
Y si no lo consigo, me quedará el mito. Y ya tengo ganas de enterrarlo.

Desafortunadamente a veces necesito a alguien que alimente mis emociones.
La palabra clave sigue siendo estimulación. La conseguí de una persona maravillosa, sólo que en negativo. Polos opuestos que se repelen cuando se acercan.

Hemos tardado, pero ya salí de la nube gris!

***********

En resumen: a la mierda un trabajo que no me llena. Ganas de empezar cosas nuevas, pero sumida tanto tiempo en mi caótica rutina que las perspectivas indican un esfuerzo nuevo, y por ente, una nueva etapa.
Un viaje por mi parte preferida del mundo, corto, pero la motivación más grande, el revulsivo que me ha ayudado a decidirme por un nuevo cambio.
Difícil salir de la vida establecida, de la seguridad. Noto la inCertidumbre, pero no me da miedo, por ahora, aunque no tengo comodín. No cuento con un apoyo si las cosas van a malas.
Ni debo esperarlo. Quiero reaprender que sólo depende de mi. Últimamente esta nueva sensación de bienestar emocional, tan olvidada quizás me ofusque.
Pero creo que he sentado las bases y espero ir por buen camino.

Traductores: Queda decir que el 2010 estrecharé lazos e intentaré resituarme en mi medio natural. Por supuesto espero contar con un poquito de apoyo... Alguna cosa saldrá... Digo yo.

for the ones who read it, and otherwise

I have been waiting very long to get here, so in a way instead of somehow writing for myself to keep some thoughts archived I will try my best to finally give it a use.
I wouldn't like to let the opportunity go and not be able to register all. See if it feels like before. Before was not even a year ago and it felt great.
At the moment I feel in transition for something very very big, very good to happen. But I have to make it happen.
Hope to be able to dedicate time and effort to writing. But open it up to share similar experiences.
A thought to be developed. Will come

I needed it

Thank you for the confirmation, the moment of anger, sorrow and the uncertainty.
Thanks to confirm that as life goes on, we loose the pure.
That I am doing the same and running away from me.

Thank you for the reality check and to bring me back and let me face my fear.

Thanks for making me more human and give me access to the Yang, to allow me get out of the euphoria-happiness-
sameness-missing crazyness.


Is great to have the loco, the weirdo back!

From what I have seen the last days I should not leave the house without a camera at hand's reach. Seeing a guy painting the green in one of my favourite decadence landscapes has made it.

Today's feelings:

Today there are feelings. Stingy. And I must admit I missed them

exes and axes

Why being stuck in an aeroport for 5 hours made me think of my relationship with vehicles and relationships remains a mystery to me.
On that lap of time, and after tired of reading nonsense easy literature, the thought that I was going to miss my bike upon my arrival to Barcelona slip by and started a trend of me counting all the vehicles I had lost because of the sharing trust of relationships, that are not meant to end, but end as such anyway. Positiveness remains... Except when it is about the vehicle...

I thought of my scooter, the last loss. How great it would be if my cigroneta and I would jump on one and scoop the city streets. Back again as one. I sort of leased it to my in-law as I didn't really need a scooter in NL. As it keeps happening I saw myself again, once his relationship ended, tempted to claim it back. I didn't do it, not to make things more complicated.

Vehicles. My faithful first car stayed with my then boyfriend to be caught by the police on day1 and decide not to use it anymore.
My gorgeous bike was smashed when I came back to Germany, smashed together with my relationship.

In the last and longest I was the one receiving vehicles. Finally. I had to renounce to my colt, well it wasn't mine, it was 'ours', I renounced to it hard hearted and was sold to a guy who managed to break it in a week. My then boyfriend told me he visited it in the scrapyard and the I better not see.

I managed to end this bit not really feeling like it, just to close the lap of thoughts that overcome me. I saw a link between my past relationships and my vehicles. In both cases I got attached to both, but the vehicles never made it my way.
I have to conclude with happy thoughts and admit that the axes broke. But in a way the exes built an axe.
If I had the choice I'd still leave the vehicle in the scrapyard and rescue the bit of goodness left of two people who once know each other very deeply and shared a path together.

Whatever the opinions, it still makes me feel good about myself. And that's what counts.

Ghosts in the room?

I don't know if I mentioned my sleeping room ghosts.
Now that the place looks better I get poltergeisted more than I would wish, but it is something I am living with. Hard to explain, it is quite a self manufactured vision, almost like the one with Woodstock in my previous life.
I believe the moment you think those shadows and noises come from somewhere else, they will. And it might be true if you conclude that energy never dies, but transforms.

After a night of shadows and voices I decided whatever I would dream in my dream would be what I shall do.
But in the dream I was sitting around trying to make people understand things.

It is not a dream, it is an everyday procedure...
(Oh, finally the tuna problem is hitting the newspapers, so it is probably too late.
Thanks everyone for caring so much for the only source of life we know exists)

being human with animals

There are things that are sensitive for humans, we still have ethic questions, which make sense: I am already tired of following the abortion debate on the news and tired to see men getting involved and making rules for what I believe to be women stuff.

The debate was triggered by very retarded comments from a member of the Spanish church. I know they will always be against it, that must remain their position due to beliefs and what not, but that particular priest dared saying that the sexual abuse some children had to suffer from priests is not as bad as the free choice of a woman to stop an UNwanted pregnancy.

The statement condemns them and invites to say 'no comment' or what is happening right now, a rain of reactions.

The funny thing that moved me to write something about it is the fact that while seeing the ongoing debate on the news I was having one of my week interests in cats, cat pregnancy and sterilisation.
A cat (but it applies to other animals/mammals) needs to be sterilised for different reasons: one of them is to avoid overpopulation and the other because more pregnancies can damage the cat's health and increase their risk of cancer. Of course they don't have a position towards it, so we decide the best for them.

While we are so condescendent with them and we sterilise them for their own sake, we also humanly put them to sleep when they are having a terminal disease or when they are handicapped.
I used to defend my animals like the Vatican and was against giving them up, but then again, putting them to sleep is stopping their suffering. I would still be confronted with such a decision, in part we want to stop their suffering as much as we want to stop ours...

When it comes to finishing a life we are much more human with animals than with humans themselves. There is no cruelty in that, the only point is that the animal has no choice, we make choices for them.

When a human chooses what is best for their lives and other's then the whole controversy kicks in: But, if it is a personal choice, what do we have to do about it? Isn't it that bit better (at least relieving) to take action on a request to stop someone form suffering than having to make a decision on someone who cannot decide any longer? (such as Eluana Englaro?)
I made my point on that once. If I was on a coma state I am sure I would be struggling and wouldn't want anyone to decide for me, but I would also not like to ruin other people's lives for one that most probably won't have a chance any longer.
Such a decision must be frigging hard.

In regards to pregnancy, how come people brings children into the world without regrets or without attending to consequences and not feel bad about those who are already born and are facing a chanceless life or most probably a very early death? Isn't letting a child die, that is already there not more cruel than responsibly choose to stop a process that will only bring misery? Like Max Frisch put in his piece, doesn't the fact that we don't do anything to stop a disaster make us part of the problem?

I used to think that in order to stop the misery in the 3rd world countries, women in them should be limited to 2 children and then be sterilised. I was wrong. That is not right if it is not their choice, and once sterilised it wouldn't stop the risk of sexual transmitted diseases or AIDS. In such case, information is the best option. What they can take to avoid unwanted pregnancies is a good start and I cannot think of a better ally than a condom. Not a gadget in history could save more lives. No chemicals, no interventions, one of the greatest inventions after the wheel. Forget the abstention. We know sex is for humans a basic need. We are not so driven than animals but it is part of our affective life. Unfortunately there are not enough lines to describe its boundaries. Something so natural has become a powerful weapon of suggestion, marketing and unfortunately often far from the concept of love and union.
How come the pope has the cold blood to condemn a condom? I can imagine the frustration of people, working for years trying to make some cultures understand, and there comes Mr holy man, who has no idea about sex or parenting and blows in a sentence a whole process, campaigns, the effort of people REALLY caring.
Man! When it comes to sex or pregnancy, they shouldn't allow them to open their mouths a bit. They have their position, ok, but we know already, they should keep it for themselves and concentrate on doing good deeds: provide food, money, love or spiritual guidance (although I also have my doubts on how beneficial or useful their beliefs are for humanity. I guess if they would just be able to transmit the strength that faith brings to people and keep it there, it could be of help: love and peace, that does not need a dogma). I guess they are frustrated, and cannot help but transmit their bitterness. Wrong, wrong, wrong... It will never be natural to be a spiritual guide and live surrounded of treasures in a man-only community. Men need women. A spiritual guide should have a family in order to be able talk about it.

The only abortion that should be definitely forbidden is the one against a woman's will.
It is impossible that a man will ever understand in their own skin what a difficult choice is, both deciding to keep an unwanted being, giving it away or deciding to stop it on time, and it is morally wrong to push someone against their will, whatever the outcome.

I am going way out of theme. There are things I just can't understand. They have no idea and only a woman should decide on that. Why don't they put the abortion subject to be voted exclusively by women? I would love to see the results.

every week a new obsession

Last month's: morals in food, stupid skinny girls adoring anorexics.

Followed by: What current of philosophers had children? - arranged per philosophy. Winner: my friend the Anarchist (no religion) - funny contrast.

2 weeks ago: Elaborating a trip around the world: how to make it to Eastern Island for
New Year's eve, back to Brazil for Carnivals and further towards India but visiting Africa.

Last week's: DIY: how to build shelves without damaging a closet.

This week's: How to tell a cat has been spayed.

Variety is taste.

Que sus den

Ja era hora home!
There is an up and down and all around and ongoing issue that seems to never resolve because of counting on people on the wrong moment.
I want to take the weight off and relativize at once, something I have forgotten to do in a while. Things are not going to get better. And I still blame some stupid complex of guiltiness for the things I don't dare doing. It just takes a jump.
Considering the micro and macro situation, I think it will be time soon.
This blog will then change. And hopefully that change will be seen.

high fidelity

Allright, I have been thinking of posting my personal point of view triggered by the new album of a very known band.
That sets me back to the opinion of a dearly beloved friend who has a very sensible point on that.
How the media plays with image, brand, name and of course popularity (aka the endless fight of the human to feel accepted by belonging to a hurd of people sharing a mind stream).
That is it.
I got to listen to U2's new release single and it is so mediocre, lame and meaningless that I couldn't finish listening to it.
Sure they had great singles, beautiful ones. And who cannot say they tried to innovate although it was a sad attempt to move to other styles they didn't even mastered?
At least they tried. But they didn't give up, because as sad as it sounds they kept in vogue by selling an egocentric experience with average music, and succeded.
I am not a musician, although I can share their feelings on this.
Why do we apply such high fidelity on bands? Why do we give ourselves in for the sake of what? You are giving them money on your faithful trip and they deliver you back a bitch slap. And you still want more.
I don't understand.
Dear Yoyo. That brings me back to thinking of the Stones. Don't take me wrong. I love them. It's just why they are out there so long and don't understand they are robbing a space to talented, creative musicians who are fighting their way through?
I may have my groupie soul (and still admit the newest stuff from Cornell is lame, but he is a hunk and sings like a fucking angel) brought from my pastlife. I try to make up by supporting small bands with enthusiasm. Empathy and hopes. Was sonnst?
I have my myths and I live musically speaking in the Dinausaur era. It's my bit of nostalgy to times when all these bands raised. And merchandising wasn't all that big. And they gave themselves fully.
Even rejecting drugs I accepted the fact that they used them experimenally. And died young. And gave room to other bands who, inspired by them, tried to continue the legacy. And on a guilt trip now I could do more research to open up to musical universes to discover... true.

And now.
Of course anything is better than the undigestible mainstream crap we have to, like it or not, accidentally suffer. But these old glories, who have reached their end, can't they do something good for the sake of music and contriute to it producing and encouraging new sounds, new talents, a new diversity of what I call music?

more to that I thank Serj Tankian for coming back stronger. And Amanda Palmer forever because she totally makes the point of what I am trying to state.

That is the way it should be. Because we need somebody to save us and wake us up.
Being introduced to Cocorosie, for instance opened me up to an unbeliavable universe of diversity, I wanted to know more of sounds that would make me feel that way. There are some kids in Rotterdam who make experimental minimalistic and since I forgot the name of the band I couldn't find them any longer.

So in a way I get all hippie and smithered and think that some bands will lead you to some other ones and expand your musical culture. And we will make a bigger community and spread the love for creativity and the soul rock connection.
But as in everything, and by the looks of the sold out tickets of those monkeys, I sometimes have to scratch my head in despair. Sure "alternative" bears its name because a few people are willing to open up, but as a mirror of the world today, the differences are unfair.

On high fidelity, we just follow our taught behavioural patterns. You will stick to one in order not to see if there is anything better. You will feel accepted if you go with the flow.

But all in all on TODAY'S FEELINGS:

Maybe the grass is not greener on the other side, but I have to go there and check it out... Sometimes it is not only greener, it probably has a different flora as well.

I would like to devote my life to this

Just wandering around Mexico for a few days.
Bought a smaller camera so I can take impressions of life and thoughts and always have something handy to inmortalise it.

I won't spend my suntime writing but currently trying to find a notebook to write down impressions, really feel like it. Lots of thoughts I want to prevail.

The blog will survive, somehow.

And now back to the travelling life

they say, I think

Forget it, they say.
I wake up in the middle of the night, thinking about it. The thoughts, the smells and the words are still a mix in my head. How selective memory is...

Dreamt I was in a cinema where a classic children movie was being played full blast.
Dreamt I was there with a flatmate and at some point the ground got twisted downwards, towards each other and we held. And the exchange of attention and the occasional hugs lasted too much accentuated by the inclination of the ground. And then you thought how nice some things could be.
And I abruptly woke up thinking: but... we live together.