30 d’abril 2010

and I dreamt

Dream in a dream.
More no news of old news. When I am standing in a place my mind travels.
When I travel, my mind settles down.
Countdown-ing. Feeling, lost in time, time back, irreal time.
There you were as an image I could rescue. Not even new technologies would get me close.
I am going over my deadline and I AM. I AM. I am so standing still I am going to push it though.
Not as it should be, maybe a new way. No time to recap. Consciousness is a process that invites to jump out.

24 d’abril 2010

best day of my life

I had the best day of my life on April 23. All emotions went fluently, the most natural thing. I knew that everyone felt the same way as I.
I felt similar to when I gather with language freaks and little needs to be said when we know we are going through the same mind processes.

I felt as inspired and chaotic as I should be, and not afraid, I felt home. I felt in my environment, I felt understood. I didn't have to adapt to anyone, anything, because I belonged.

Today I cried and laughed and I was so aware of things that were so natural for me and the people who surrounded me, I didn't need to give explanations. I felt in a way I didn't feel for very long.
Little needed to be done or said. I found my people, my space.

Today has been one of the happiest days in my life!

19 d’abril 2010

dreams -sexual- tendency

One day I accidentally had a very graphic and sexually explicit dream with a person I used to work with and to whom I didn't feel remotely attracted to. Why my subconscious chose him instead of, say, Amanda Palmer still remains a mystery to me.

I made the comment to my flatmate during breakfast. For the coming weeks, at work, I couldn't look at him in the eyes without picturing him naked and feeling somehow guilty and attracted at the same time, and that was creepy.
According to my flatmate's pseudo-Freudian interpretation of dreams if you have sex with someone in dreams it meant we would be friends forever. I didn't even know him or had anything close to friendship with him.

Again, my subconscious never chooses the friends I love most to have dreams with graphical sexual content with. I do dream sometimes of close friends and kiss, hug or get closer to them in an unusual affective way, but I don't think my subconscious would ever choose to have explicit sexual scenes with them, no matter how forever I am going to be friends with them.

I have had wet dreams with girls, strangers, but never with animals for instance (no matter how much I love them), close friends or family members or... my gay flatmate.
So, sexual tendency and sexual ethics still remain, even unconscious?
Interesting brain we have... What did that mean, then? Why him? Why was I condemned to see him in the office and blush?

I came up with some answers. Basically, I think that my subconscious needed to make up for bad sex with a particular someone I was physically attracted to and chose a random person I never looked at sexually but who I shouldn't feel intimidated with so I could use him as a scape valve.
An onyric way to turn things around from being attracted to someone, but not satisfied, to the exact opposite: being satisfied by someone, but not attracted to.
It has a touch of sad. I didn't think the latter could be possible. But you always learn...

13 d’abril 2010

... but I shouldn't worry

I've realized I want to become something like the neutral cultural observer. And feel multiculti somehow without really having a blood-shake, to look at ethnocentrism as something exotic and distant.

I'm seeing that putting my will to the test, the will wins. Results... But it is just a test not an indefinite state.
That some people need ludicrous devices in order to get through life.
That I have come to the conclusion that...

I fear I won't get past this screen
it seems forever
but they say I shouldn't worry

I am more aware than it looks like
but I shouldn't worry

They say I shouldn't worry
this stage is temporary
we'll laugh when it's over...

But this stage is now my life
and I reach for consciousness
and yes, if I should or should not... I don't want to worry.

04 d’abril 2010

that sensation

...is the title of a little something I wrote in 1990 and published in 1992 in the school's magazine.

I found the manuscript today, and, there ya go: traduttore-traditore played around to do an English version.
Words still came first in German and sometimes I had to do a Catalan-German-English transition.
English might be the easiest language for communicating, but I shall try a German version, German is still richer. The German (B Sprache) translators shall understand what I mean, oder?
It is interesting, because it is lyric and mine. I have never translated a text written by me. Or maybe I do it continuously everytime I use another language to communicate? Well, this is almost sociophilosophicolinguistics, so some other time.

That for the linguistic text analysis.

For the rest, the result.


Like out of an impenetrable fortress
I opened my gates to let you in
you took over, with great delicacy
with a sly slowness, my intimacy.
Slowly you started a conquest
which was an invasion I couldn't perceive
it made my heart and soul pound
with a new exciting rhythm that surrounded me
of a halo of false happiness I was so contaminated with
and every bit of my skin breathed it.

That sensation!
That sensation that still now, sometimes
hypnotizes me and takes me to that plenitude
that sounded hollow on our backs
All I had so close, and still see so far
A fire that seemed impossible to fight

A spark that set me in flames
How come so many tears couldn't extinct it
A love that didn't want to be discovered
that burned us: each and other.

So strong perhaps that couldn't be repressed.
So different and absurd at the same time
that got lost in its absurdity
in the fragmented abstraction of a complex unease.