29 de desembre 2008


Començo a entendre.



old picts

I am emptying my first owned flat ever, and realize how much history I left behind.

I found a box full of old pictures. Mostly form my studying years. Back then I never managed to live in one single country, although I will always consider Germany my second home and always miss it.

I don't care if I look much better nowadays. I was happy then. Not a single picture without a smile from ear to ear.
I compared them with my actual pictures.

...An image is worth a thousand words.

24 de desembre 2008

The softie in Christmas

Christmas has meant for years to come, family obligations and unnecessary caloric input.

These last years, as we grow older means coming closer to my beloved ones and spending some family time the old fashioned way.

Since I arrived here the air is different. But also very emotive. It has started this last day of shift when the guys managed to make me cry despite my warnings.It's a Christmas tradition in me: an unexplicable and unconsolable sadness. But I am not the only one.
On special dates you think of special people and there you go, tears just flow freely, despite my efforts to appear cheerful. I should cherish more what I have and stop concentrating in what I can't have. It doesn't depend on me any longer.

I took a walk on the alley, my old neighbourhood, with the church at the end of the street and the bar on the corner. As I was going down someone had been runned over a car. The crowd was already big enough for me to do something about it and for me to help in any way, I don't like morbid vouyerism.

As I went down the church's street towards the new library another image moved me even most. It froze my heart. Figure the sadness I already came with, the shock to see a body covered on the street and some meters further down an old man was trying to cross the street. I was on the other side. Cars wouldn't stop. I stopped one moment to observe the man had more than motor problems. And so it hit me. I turned around. The old man was lying on the ground, on my side of the path crying in despair. It is loneliness, I know. I recognize it. A new crowd formed, the cars stopped. My empathy was turning my soul into one with that old man. Because I feel lonely and being next to my family reminds me how lonely I am going to end in the years to come.
I runned to him and hugged him, gave him a kiss and kept going to visit my best (girl)friend's family.
Once again I talked about her and concluded that they should support her more than ever and forget to mention any regrets. And then, uncontrollably, there I was so vulnerable crying in the arms of her mother.
I love you as if you were my twin, Cigroneta. And I missed you there that moment. I want to see you happy because we both build up strenght together. So stay on!

I will be down all the way to 2009. Can't help it.
What bothers me the most is that I will try my last resorts to confirm I am searching water in an empty well. And to loose a little bit of life by loosing a little bit I so want to be part of mine.

So far about Christmas for me in 2008.

13 de desembre 2008

weirdwhatwhy and related

I have been confirmed in one week by already 5 people (which should be a representative average number for the week + the fact that they are known and trusted sources) that I am a weirdo. Specially to women.
See OCT 27 already making its appearance.
I hear the word "hippy" more often, but it is only related to my constant state of mind, attachment to persons and detachment to 'thingies', TV, car, phone or whatever models should be in the market, design, flashy devices, cosmetics (I changed cream to olive oil), tendency to communal life, shoe ignorance, trend ignorance, no born need for shopping despite genre, environmental awareness, lack of evil radar, lack of evil thoughts or actions, groupie soul, vowing hand made music, attraction to flesh and blood humans (the smallest trace of anything related to gel, perfume, plastic or gym, the better)
and so forth. Hippie in their mouths sounds to me like unspoiled, so I take it as a compliment, despite the lifestyle I am compelled to live, NOT for MUCh LONGEEER!!!

But the weirdo thing still keeps me wondering. If it's good or bad it only reflects a concrete amazement but in way different reactions. It differences, so let's welcome it.
If I would I have known before would I have begun to live according to a tag?

So I am a weirdo, assumed. Therefore I attract weirdos, logically. But I wasn't living according to a tag, so here is the downside:
What my pleaser (because I am also a pleaser) side would try to do in the weirdo-unconciousness is trying to be less a weirdo at moments I have felt to puzzle others in highly inspired moments (to others and you: doing or saying weird things).

Since this won't work for no weirdos I try to observe the no weirdos to learn from them. That is: get close to see what is what's supposed to be 'normal' (is that the antithesis of weird?)
It works in a very superficial way, as a logical and mathematical equation.

Ok, I sucked at maths, but figure the calculation: As I attract weirdos, out of a weirdo+weirdo addition should become a positive number so that's what I should stick to, no?.

So an attempt to being or 'acting' normal is always going to result in (sticking to maths) a sustraction.
Why try?
To please. Dead simple. Why the pleaser? Aaah, the bloddy hippie, I see.

Well, then, I will have to celebrate weirdness as my pleasing has lead to a lack of a positive number, basically .

And I am done with it. If only things could speed up, I am definetely on the right path, thank life and circumstances.

If only I could get the kick, that support... It would be as fast as a heartbeat. I know the weirdo I am quoting, and even not read by, I know it must be, because the equation clears the X...

So, best to keep on the same road and same track. Because I have to make very very clear, that it cannot be any other way.
If some points of view, if some actions are tagged, we humans have to accept some people are just unable to once do an effort to understand.
There goes the pleaser again striving for love and celebration of diversity.
In the end I myself have my own concept of weirdos, but it's seen more plastic than intrinsic, anyway.
I won't recover if another wound is made but I will surely learn the hard way which people are not even worth the effort (the benefit of the doubt is proving useless).

So now I am afraid. Discovering is always a painful road, and hope mine leads to success.

What is going on right now in my space if not weird, extremely cute. Animal love. Her love for love, but her love for independence (and I don't say it lighltly, she loves her hours of, say, supported autonomy, but when her time is up, she needs to be released to funnily move on to a new space of supported autnomy, what a life!)
Arriving home to being cuddled is great. And she definetely CAN cuddle, man! She is not here right now, if she was here, I couldn't even type as I would be so intrusively cuddled. Specially when I am on the computer, she just goes on the keyboard and all over my face...

I admire her. She spends hours minding her own space. Whenever I call her I know she will reply, that's about enough.
I am talking about a cat, these creatures really amaze me! The funniest thing about her is that she doesn't even have a stomach-related dependency, She knows where I live, she requests access, she hangs around, gives love, doesn't ask for more than a few cookies (2) and just enjoys the company.

Being drooled, purred and squeezed at times also works for me, so it works for us both (although I tend to request more attention than her, as I don't see her too often)
She has adopted me. I bought her a toilet so she can move in with me, if she feels like staying for a longer while. She is welcomed anyway, she can take care of herself, I try to convince myself. My downstairs and upstairs neighbours say she also hangs around with them.
I know she has an owner, I don't pretend to become it. And she doesn't expect that from me.
I just try to make sure she leaves when she feels like it not when she has to (therefore the toilet). That's the way it should be. If she gets the facilities, she won't be compelled to leave due to major circumstances and she will always be back.
And if she wants to move in, her choice, but I kinda like her as she is, with her need to go out and explore other places.

I don't know her name. She responds best to the letter "E". And she is extremely sweet but amazingly weird. Coming back to the above, she takes care of me to make sure my balance is kept.

And we fit so good together because I like her and accept her as she is (although I can't help worrying about her, we humans always think we know better).
I hope I am giving her what she needs when she comes around, so she can always find a shelter.

Anyhoo, two picts of E chewing my magazines and petting my scarf!


Today's feelings:
- it's not going to happen and I will reassure myself I am not only amazingly
resourceless but unable

- on the other hand, it is always proved to be that way. Any other sign of
initiative are unlearned (I like to look at the psychological trauma, rather than
blame it on my lack of stimulus -due to my culture we say in Catalan "d'on no
n'hi ha no en raja" (you won't get water from an empty fountain) so I am applying
my cultural inheritance as a motto and new self made motivation. Unfortunately...

- There goes the love and all. What you give, you always think is what you get.

09 de desembre 2008

this morning

This morning things look different. I woke up, worries didn't assault me during the night.

I didn't need to confirm myself. Things look the same around, but I take command so the boat doesn't sink.

This morning I woke up and searched for my pink underwear, just like that. Made a little ritual of putting it on.
Did a stroll to around and back and enjoyed the calm of pink on my skin.

I am thinking if putting up a new blog with "the project" and dedicate the writing to the notepad next to me.

Still thinking

07 de desembre 2008

arbitrari i meditatiu

Aixella d'axis, tormenta i foc
A la superfície com una branca estancada
Al fons una barca que es pregunta perquè no pot ressorgir
Minven els gestos i es refecteix una olor de brisa a
estofat de patates, té i cervesa gelada.
Entre el jardí i la porta es dissipa una silueta d'home gran.
La seva àura emperò ensopega amb els marcs de les portes.
Obre la boca i el seu alè petrifica el rembombori inacabable.
El seu silenci activa el soroll al meu cervell.

Hi sóc, però no hi sóc. O no hi sóc de fa molt.
Retorna'm els çaitis que feien tombarelles.
Al menys...

05 de desembre 2008

Dulces sueños

Com la cançó de l'último de la fila.
I wish these days off were the reflection of my life. I spend too few days getting it all nice and organized to destroy it on my working days. I can't combine life with work.
See if I can follow my schema, and not undo it.

I start recovering from the work during my previous holidays

03 de desembre 2008

The right to be happy

This is a bit boring reflective crap. These days I have been realizing that when there are expectatives of things going well I always look for something to worry about, and if not, I am reminded of it. Probably I created that energy and attracted the perfect person to bring me down. It's like having a magnet to give someone that chance.
The key person didn't throw you the rope when you were at the end of the hole. Once on the surface you remember how fresh the air can be, and I am thankful I could crawl out alone. Can't help but wonder, why once out I am being denied a hand to guide the way ahead. Words didn't help, actions would only be seen on the negative side. Of course a vicious circle tells you you might not be worth the effort after all. I keep the hope. Maybe keeping silent and letting the one process all is the solution. Doesn't look too much like that. Some people just see the problems of all.
I gave up expecting a knock on my door and the helping hand... At least there is no foot pushing me into abyss...

Maybe I just need a holiday. But so far, I am just going to sleep again to live the wanted reality in dreams.
I have been composing things lately I hum on the way to somewhere. As usual. Being here is like being stuck, but I am secluded for a while. The release will make it a very long journey on the way to nowhere.