16 de juliol 2014

consuelo de tontos?

First of all, I am not a journalistic writer. I write, because other people can let their feelings out through music or painting and those aren't my best skills. Writing, however, has always accompanied me and, like those people who always scribble gorgeous drawings in their little notebooks I am always  accompanied by a notebook (or two) where I write random stuff. When I was studying my degree I filled book covers and those classifiers in files with poetry. I lost all, but some was awesome (olee the modesty). Now when I write something I deviate from ideas into endless "to do" lists.
I publish here when I am on the computer and I need to share. I don't like to get too personal, but there are always  days...

In my notebook scribbly dreams mix with reality and when they do, sometimes fear makes its way through. I haven't worked on my spiritual self for nothing and I know fear is looking into the future, which doesn't exist. But my hard drive has collected information of  "past futures" and if I go through my files I understand that in my endless learning my "moving into the next screen" doesn't seem to come.

This is my silly face when I talk to Alpha on Skype, like it or not he has been a major milestone in a major decision that changed my past future drastically. I smile when I hear him say that he is doing allright and he's well

And this is also my face when I hear him say that he misses me, that he loves me, that he needs me or that he will wait for me as long as it takes. There is an enormous gap I am aware of, but he doesn't seem aware of it. Then I feel responsible, guilty and impotent. I try to explain how big the cultural gap is and how removed my First World is from his mentality, from his world, but it doesn't work...

I like to hear he is well, but the thought of having influenced someone's life, or giving someone false hopes of a better life... produces this face.

The face change happened in minutes and I decided to take stills on the camera to see for myself how many feelings an expression can hold. And since I can't express those feelings in one powerful word, I've chosen to publish these shots, because they reflect with quite a lot of accuracy my situation in this place. This absolute love to my life and surroundings. The beautiful people around me and the exciting projects I get into and passionately defend, the feeling part of a whole. But also the despair, the uncertainty coming from my limited rights, the financial struggle, the hopes for a more dignifying life. I want a sunny window, a job that allows me to make a change, a guest room, a life companion and a cat.
Picture number one prevails, always, but it is human to feel. We are filled with hopes and we have to be prepared for disappointment, not only because we have expectations, sometimes it is exhaustion of not seeing the new screen coming, and discover new obstacles on the way... The efforts bring a lot of victories and we learn from the defeats.

Here I am, two years later, no new screen. The same clear goal, the same obstacles, the same uncertainty. 
But here I am, too, crying for change. For the change I am hoping for.