30 de gener 2008

nature's caprice

I was cooking today (which is extraordinary given the few times I cook for myself) and opened a bag of potatoes.


... Could not peel this one ;-)

28 de gener 2008

ja no canta l'ànima

No life sountrack. No clouded mind and the word of the week: procrastination.

I have realized of traces of what I could call a profile of my personality disorder.
Findingout is great, since to me everyone has some little mental disorder, some of us are extremely demanding tothemselves, some the lazy kind, some susceptible, others shy... And I am passive-agressive.
I add some of the features, deleted the ones that don't really apply:

Avoiding responsibility by claiming forgetfulness
Blaming others
Chronic lateness and forgetfulness
Does not express hostility or anger openly - (e.g., expresses it instead by leaving notes)
Fear of authority
Fear of competition
Fear of dependency
Fear of intimacy (infidelity as a means to act out anger)
Fosters chaos
Intentional inefficiency
Making excuses
Losing things
Resists suggestions from others

My two best friends agree it does apply. So there you go.
I feel much better since then, silly enough. I just thought I can't get pissed off, but I guess I sublimate into a complete mess. It would be easier to get angry, but I never think I will get anything out of it.
I mean, I have been quite angry lately, but how do you act it out?
I guess I connect anger to revenge, and even if they call it sweet or so, I feel destroyed if the subject, being a person, would get damaged. Doesn't work for me, but I guess I still have to change my attitude.
I don't want to get ambiguous (eeeh!)

Gracias Zi.4 por tu postal. I've been meaning to write you my sweet ode to the sign of the times, but I have been a bit too busy procrastinating. I will make a time to come down to Bayern, but I have a big flat moving coming on. I was stressing before and I reckon it will be a bit of a hell. Mostly for the pocket.
No, no more flat talks until the flat comes, which will occupy a whole month of boring posts.

Well, enough for today. Checking out and lying down to stay awake all night!

15 de gener 2008

slowly over

Still sick after eating airport food. Hard to push myself to go to work, but now it is as if traveling would have never happened. Came back and the same darkness, sadness and hopelessness overwhelmed me.
But this time I feel much better, so I am a stage further.

The latter is positive, because it gives a bit of light at the end of the tunnel.
Maybe the fact that I have hardly eaten in days is connected to the whole cleaning process and lets you think clearer.

Leaving the body aside my soul is still rotty. I guess it is all connected. The other day once again after a cold and rainy bike ride I blamed it on this country. Stopped on the top of a canal and shouted it out loud: I hate this place!
It is killing me, ever since I came I lost all the most important things to me. But I have no place to go. I don't know where.
I cling to those references in life, people that make you happy, make you think you are worth it. The ones I had closest and helped me go on in this routinary chaos slowly somehow withdrawn. With that joy of mine of being expectant to go back to restful arms I had my little reason to live. What is life then otherwise? You have to look forward to something, to someone.
Without it you can imagine. Yes, I am here and I do things every day but I might as well be dead and you wouldn't notice the difference. I just don't know how to get out of this and nobody saves me. I had my saving boat, my island to recover. But we cannot expect other people to be a reason for you to feel happy, can you? What if they turn you down? then you can't be happy at all.

Being rejected is one of the most horrendous way a person can feel together with ignored. Nothing good with becoming acquainted with a new sensation. Maybe only the part that I know I will never do that to anyone. It is not my character anyway. I bind to persons for life. I don't understand how something can change from knowing someone you know you can rely upon and share your bits in life to becoming a ghost.

Miss infinite teas, films, soundtracks, cuddles.
Mostly the looking forward to something, sharing small bits, being part.
I guess I will have to travel more and maybe, maybe one day I won't come back...

11 de gener 2008

survived all but junkfood

Almost 3 weeks since the last time I wrote. Back from the holidays, and haven't had the chance to write in between. I suppose a good sign that we were busy just traveling, the way it should be.
I survived any other food in Perú or Ecuador. I made a big impression on people on how much I eat. Anything mixed with anything, whatever the state, just no meat, I am vegeterian.

Not a single stomach ache, nothing. And then I see myself in NY waiting for my connection flight, I have 6 hours ahead and think I should eat something. But all they have to offer is so gross. Not even some foods in China grossed me out as much as the American junk food. But I decided to eat something. Bought some peanut butter cups, remember I loved them when I lived in the US. And had 3 (supersized, as I couldn't find normal ones), then the least disgusting thing I found was a spring roll, but I couldn't even finish it (once again, I am not particularly picky with food) and then, to top it up, the only available "coffe" was from that overrated Starbucks (3 filials in just one corridor).

And guess what happened



My connection flight lasted 6:30 hours. They didn't switch off the fasten your seatbelt sign in 2 hours. Turbulence was not so bad, but they wouldn't let me go to the toilet.
Nobody attended me when I pressed the fight attendant button. I kept hassling the stewardesses asking for mint tee and water. My stomach was killing me, cramps, nausea... I filled up three puke bags. Nobody wanted to collect them, so I had to keep them next to me. And then finally hit the toilet when I had the chance to go. Baaah, baaah, baaah! I thought I was going to choke.
A real bad experience, and still feeling sick after that.

Never again fast food.