30 de gener 2007


German word for showing off. I can still sometimes recognize my showing off in particular hormonal moments, analogical to guy's testosterone. I guess having breasts instead of cojones has something to do with it. But it was really an uncontrolled feeling in the childhood years. Showing off, being cruel, pretend, steal... You name it. The one thing I was very bad at was lying. It is not quite in my nature.
And so I remember, if I still have a little thread of memory of the previous moments of the fall. Show off.
We were at the top of the marble staircase. That common marble that had suffered the scratches of high heels, shopping trolleys and skates in one of the buildings of my barrio.
As we were on the top of the stairs these guys from two numbers above were staring at us. Don't you ask me what they looked like apart from the one who was very well known among older girls: PimplyFaced and VERYbigmouth.
There I was at the top of the staircase with my friend QuiteDeveloped and she was surely the center of attention for those dude-kids: Way over the average height and with built in husky blue eyes. I don't remember what our conversation was at that point or what the guys were saying but at that very moment I had one of the stupidest ideas, one of those you would answer when someone would ask you: what do you regret having said? I asked QuiteDeveloped: "Shall we show off?"
Now try to figure out what the hell was of any showing off interest to see 2 girls going downstairs but as the little performance genius I was, well more an "acting over thoughts" specialist I lifted my leg theatrically while suggesting my great occurrence to perform the descent. I am not sure why didn't wait for my friend to answer my such rhetorical question, I should assume there are bashful people in the world, and QuiteDeveloped was one of them. She threw a laugh followed by a: "you are crazy" and tapped me on the back with the strength of a push. After all she was QuiteDevoeloped and I was No-Developed at all...
I still think to this day that her intention was to push me down, but if it wouldn't have happened that my right leg was suspended in the air, the result of her pushing would have been a clumsy dropping from one of the steps. But remember: I was suspended on one leg and not holding to the veranda.
As a result, heaven knows. I remember I started rolling down the downhill steps and each one hurt more than the other.
I fell down head over feet, so I was sliding down, chin first. I think I tried not to roll over my head and used the chin to balance, otherwise I would have probably broken my neck. I don't wanna think about it.
Each step I went down I could hear my ears drumming, the air buzzing, I could smell adrenaline, bleach, that very unsuccesful lemony smell of floor wax and dust. I still remember the colours around me: black, blue and that brown shineless scratched marble with white patterns like smoke rings; like smoke clouds announcing my descent. - And my landing.- And I landed -
My friend QuiteDeveloped was nowhere to be seen anymore. There was no pain. I landed head over feet against the main door alla Edina from "Absolutely Fabulous". The boys were laughing and tralling: "show off, show off!". Then my neighbour "Nancygirl" came by. I held on to her to get up and asked her if I was alright. She looked at my chin and said: I can see your bone. I touched it and my hand got covered in blood.
I then rushed to my parents and my mom opened the door. It started hurting then. And when she saw the skin hanging and the bone she called my dad to rush me in to the hospital. At that point I started crying like the pussy I am.
My mom was only worried about the scar. They had to dress me like a cupcake (a sub-wedding merengue) in 1 month for my first communion, as south European parents influenced by very catholic parents tend to do to their children. It was my choice the previous year not to receive the sacred body of Jesus Christ, but the wine and the presents my friends received convinced me one year after of the opposite.
In order not to leave a scar the doctors had to operate me in "warm". Ergo: no anesthetics. I could feel the thread going through my skin and the needle every time they slid it through my chin. The four times. In spite of my sentimental softiness I am quite strong to physical locally concentrated pain. But I really wasn't expecting that. I shouted and called the doctor "you idiot". The poor guy. Yeah right. He must be still laughing about it I reckon.
It healed well and one month later I received the holy body of Jesus Christ. and the wine. And the presents. And money. almost 10.000 pesetas from back then. On my day I looked like an underage catalogue bride almost without any trace of a scar, if I ever find I picture I will post it. Some years later I would fall exactly on the same spot from the bike and open another breach in my chin in order to save my nose of a fatal crushing. My chin and nose have gone through hard hits. There is enough material to write a dissertation about my nose alone.
But I think my nose deserves almost a tribute. It has its own story from the rest of the body. Some of you know. Some of you have followed.

guess why

So sollte ein glückliches Gesicht aussehen

so Hello!

Back from Frankfurt.
I am really glad to receive e-mails every now and then of people I haven't talked to lately. I have internet again, but I share it. Therefore I just have some time to look at e-mails and post this in record time. But I'm very happy of hearing from you, I really feel like knowing more of what you're up to and I'm back in Amsterdam the 2nd. And determined to make it better this year and have time for people. To meet instead of planning to meet. That's the most important thing after all. I've read a book about communication these days and I have to add chatting along with friends to my "diet".
Today I've had a dream with Puiti. It was just some nice chatting with a glass of wine. Maybe anticipating. I hope you or I make it soon to spend some time together.
And then a very erotic one with a girl in a white bikini in a swimming pool. As I was diving in the water I could see her vagina. And the rest you can imagine. Bikini, genitals, diving and face on... I am glad I can at least every now and then have an erotic dream. This one was nice and sweet. Like waves coming and going.
By the way, if anyone bothers using the comment tab: Do you know any other translation of the word "wave"? (not in English, Catalan, Spanish, Nederlands or German?)
Please help. I will explain.

27 de gener 2007

soon will end

Meine Götte, vermisse ich schreiben.
Currently on a trade show and with very limited access to internet. I have been scratching amazing memories off the skin. Finally Sunday we will be so far.
Would love to write soon.
There is party tonight, though I'm not sure if I can physically make it. In an old water tower... Mmmm.
By the way, it is snowing in Frankfurt, and all over the south. In order to make my trip the first day I had to deal with slippering and continuously seeing accidents and a car (van) that was overheating constantly. Now it's fixed. Coming soon I will pass the list of the ongoing repairs I have to undertake.
Today's feelings:
thoughts, thoughts and no acts. Forgetful and clear in mind. At least something!

23 de gener 2007

In Germany

I am back from holidays. The trip back was absolutely tiring. I sat on the plane close to a guy and he saw me writing. He tried to start a conversation: You meet interesting people in planes, he said. I replied: Mostly INTERESTED. And I think that made it to make him shut up.
I missed a train and took a cab to get to my car. On the way the cab driver explained me the story of his life. I know his whole family now, what they do, were they live.. And that he is a civil engineer. But language and opportunities made him become a cabby.
I found two accidents on the way. And a building site. A trip that was supposed to take 1 hour took me more than 2. On the way the car's exhaust dropped and it started heating up. So I have to have it checked. Since I didn't sleep much all the way, and due to the technical problems my state at that point was quite pathetic. But I made it.
Anywhoo, I wanted to thank my friend in Cyprus and all the people there for the nice time. The temperature has dropped dramatically in central Europe and I've been lucky to get some sun. And ternura, Mimi mou. You have a beautiful world, very nice friends, boyfriend. I get all sentimental and think we should see each other at least once a year. But we will keep in touch. And I'm sure you will make it to Amsterdam. I can't quite wait.
It is currently quiet. I'm recovering of the trip. Tomorrow I have to work again...

21 de gener 2007

on the way back part III

The word of the month is "stimulate". There is nothing stimulating
about this type of life apart from the fact that I live in a central
location and I'm lucky to have people over all the time. What would I
do without all those people... I would submerge in my sheets and my
computer and turn into a pseudo soft assed Hikikomori. And believe me, nobody would be to rescue, so it is not an option. Here I am, and facing the dilemma all alone, with a little help from my friends. But I need people around constantly, it's not easy unless I'd live in a commune or sth like that. By the way, the sth like that was nice. I would recommend studying mostly for the times and moods you get to share with others alike.

But still, coming through day by day with something I don't really want, or, better said, I didn't expect for myself. Great, huh? Yeah, everything will be fine. Sure, Selveta.

Oh, check out this fantastic sunset... I was there, it was like getting what you need, the moment you needed it:

on the way back part II

The ones who know me know my softie side. They will probably understand.
I'm just not ready to face a new defeat, nonetheless when I allow some rays of hapiness to make their way through.
For nothing. Or to see it fade, Which reminds me of a quote from Depeche Mode (oh, those highschool days...), something similar applies:
"for fear that the spell may be broken"
I'm a good looser, at least at games, or in everything. I tend to
accept there is always someone that can do it better than me. That's why I tend not to to get involved in too exciting projects.
Not to dissapoint or be dissapointed. Temperament? Impulse? Oh yes, for all the wrong things.
Otherwise I am so disgustingly cautious I just see opportunities
flying away. The one thing I wanted so much and fought so much for I
didn't get it. I wasn't ready for anything else. My very improvised
plan B turned out to be a success. At least on the eyes of others. Or my family circle, who thought I was otherwise going to be a "bohemian" for life. If only...
Not for me. It's taken me a very long time to feel good in a new,
routinary and yet very schedule-chaotic life and I still don't really
feel it's me. I just keep busy enough not to think about it. It would
be depressing. But... is there an alternative? Maybe, but I'm chicken
shit. Remember the part of the projects. I couldn't set myself a new
plan and see it fail. I wasn't like this, because before I didn't
expect anything and didn't depend on anyone. So anything was welcome.

on the way back part I

I'm going through a rather hypergraphic stage. If only I would just
not be obsessed with the same things over and over...
Anyway I wrote something poisonous on the way to the beach today.
But it is not of great value, it was a sort of meditative writing. I'm
basically afraid of writing too much and the PC then commits suicide.
We are getting closer. I am a bundle of nerves going back to Germany
before I go to back to Holland next week.
I think I didn't break down since May 2006. If I couldn't until now it was because I had to gather strength to face all the problems and financial worries of setting up my own place. Electricity fucks up, water runs everywere, heater breaks 3 times, insurances, registration papers, enough work to arrive home made a disgusting piece of shit... And help started receeding, and the house was full of guests from August on, non stop (bless). So hey, I guess it has to happen every now and then, now that I have the time...

let's see...

...if it meets the expectations

20 de gener 2007


I'm going on the piss again.
If the picts are pathetic enough I will post them.

First facial

My first beautician's facial. And it felt almost as good. Imagine being pampered all over the face and getting all these refreshing products.
After that my face felt baby-butt soft. I fucked it up the same night going on a bar-tour. But I needed alcohol. And it's killed the braincells which were just bothering too much with neurotic thoughts and fears. I am getting closer to some memories, maybe some of you are part of them and can recognize yourselves there. I will be more able to update from February on.
Leaving proof. Un peto a tothom!

19 de gener 2007

Perry, Perry quite contrary...

Hola a tots i totes.
Suposo que aquesta actualitzacio va mes dirigida als catalanoparlants i intentare ser breu, pq comenso a ser capas de preparar-me.
Sabieu que aquest any prepara mes desastres naturals que l'anterior? El mateix a dins meu. Crec que em trobo a les portes de canvi i com a control freak que soc, estic intentant crear mecanismes de defensa. Malauradament no funcionen com abans. Pero sempre han estat en stand by. Cal recordar-se'n de com funcionen. per que? Per pal.liar, per enfrontar el fracas.
En el meu cas provo de no posar-me grans objectius i a mig termini, per tenir una porta oberta i escapar quan els problemes m'afecten. Per burlar la felicitat en cas que vingues disfressada d'estabilitat. Cadascu ho fa de diferent maneres.
Si esteu a l'altra banda, necessito les vostres suggerencies. I tu, com ho fas?
By the way, penso molt en tothom. Tant de bo tingues 365 dies lliures a l'any i 4 mans, 7 boques per poder estar en contacte amb tothom. We are so spread!

18 de gener 2007

ab jetzt

You can leave comments from now on. I was made aware that it was not possible and I changed the settings.
Be my guest!

17 de gener 2007

gallina de piel


But be contented when that fell arrest
Without all bail shall carry me away,
My life hath in this line some interest,
Which for memorial still with thee shall stay.
When thou reviewest this, thou dost review
The very part was consecrate to thee:
The earth can have but earth, which is his due;
My spirit is thine, the better part of me:
So then thou hast but lost the dregs of life,
The prey of worms, my body being dead;
The coward conquest of a wretch's knife,
Too base of thee to be remembered.
The worth of that is that which it contains,
And that is this, and this with thee remains.


Today's feelings:
Getting existentialistic. Gaensehaut. Sun kissed, first night relatively happy. Small things that make a lot.

Needed to read it today. Still find it amazing!


I've read this somewhere, in a friend's toilet:

We are girlfriends. You are my best friend and I love you so much... if you are sad, I am sad, if you are happy, I am happy. If you cry, I cry. If you jump over a bridge... I'm gonna miss you!

16 de gener 2007

recurrent worry to share

For the ones I have been bombarding with my new obsession lately, herwith written evidence. For the ones who haven't been harrased, yet, welcome to my new obsession.

Please read this



for more information:

I learnt from the BBC news that eating less well-known fish such as saithe and pollack can be also helpful. I looked up in the dictionary and little translations could be found. pollack is known as "heller seelachs"... algun tipo de salmon (blanco?)... Eating hering is also recommended. So in this case Holland is safe ;-)

I learned also that sardines tend to swim on the surface, so the danger of damaging the sea ground is less likeable.
Please avoid cod: Bacalao, bacalla, whales. I mero, I could not find the translation.
I hope this article makes you more aware of the dangers. We should be one with nature...

Sorry, it's been worrying me for so long I had to let it out. If at least makes one more person aware I will be happy

Nothing to be proud about to be honest...

Dies de frappe i haloumi. Perdo pels accents

me cago en la tecnica

After having the patience of extensively explaining the problem of not being able to write in a single language for all the posts, the PC goes and f**cks it all up.
Coming on: what we expect, the unexpectable and what it turns out to be... Over and over again.
Don't ask, not ready, yet...

Be, and todays' feelings:
Pissed off. Per a que serveix un blog si despres el PC decideix cagarse en tu?
Dependant. Small. New neo-pseudo-symbolic/suicidal ideas (wait and see)
Cigroneta, t'escric!

07 de gener 2007

it all began...

Bé, ha anat tan ràpid i fàcil, no m'ho pensava pas. Gràcies yoyoinberlin per donar el pas, vet aquí que m'ha animat per poder seguir-nos la pista sense patir pel temps entre e-mails.
Buf no puc eviatar sentir-me com part d'una mena de moda que considero una mica absurda. I la paraula "moda" no és precisament una vella coneguda.

El cas és que, ara mateix te una raó de ser i es troba en connexió directa amb l'evolució de l'era de la comunicació.
Hi ha 3 raons bàsiques:
Estic cansada dels messengers (en tinc 4) i trepitjar continuament converses o no ser capaç de seguir-ne tres al mateix temps.

Estic cansada de mirar els e-mails (en un dia a casa o a la feina) en un promig de cada 2 hores i no soc gens amiga dels telèfons (crec que em queda una mà de trets prehistòrics per mostrar) wait and see.

Junt amb el fet que una amiga meva em va vendre una càmera digital a molt bon preu i que és hivern, post Nadal i em venen ganes d'alliberar els meus bons propòsits (escriure més, entre ells)

Espero poder fer-me una pàgina web algun dia, però de moment, aquí comença un reguitzell d´intercanvi d´informacions i sensacions.