28 de juny 2011

sweet returns

Some months ago, I was leaving NL with a dream in my mind. The trip seemed to last forever and it was filled with uncertainty.
It feels I am writing backwards, looking back now on what I should have recorded then. I did, in my notebook, never published, I tought it was just going to be an unjustified fear. Who would have told me my dream was going to turn into a nightmare, and what to do with it?
Then I promised myself in Sydney, January 2011 to follow my intuition, to listen to my guts and act accordingly, against my rationalizing... on... and... on. Guts are right, and so are the facts. Sometimes the mind can be weak, trying to accommodate us in our dreamworld.

Part of my first weeks in my new environment consisted in sitting, sorrounded by brown and crimson, wondering on humanity, contradictory feelings, on how little one can do when one wants to do so much I was on my own. Well, worse than that.

- friendly reminder: even if you are a fighter, please consider that a surrender on time can be the best of victories.

My little bubble was too uncomfortable to stay in it, its explosion is going to make an awesome novel one day.

I left NL in one of my best Summers and upon return it seems it reconnects as if that Summer would have never ended. We are all a bit more tired and we are all fighting, struggling or giving it up, depending on the cause. We are most of us there creating that unique network of special people, giving light to this city that tends to be too dark, too often.

Upon arrival I felt part of that light. A part of a family.

It takes experiences to see people you love and think: no explanations needed. That's how we are and if that's who we are, that's how I love it.

04 de juny 2011

contained emotion after fraud police

I haven't updated a single entry upon my arrival to NZ.
I accidentally became too focused on circumstances, forgetting about my life and the exciting notes I had taken during the inspiring AFP concerts. I will really have to add a reminder each time I see my focus shifting. It happens way too often.
AFP gave me the wake up call again after watching a video of a closing speech she gave where she mentions the "fraud police", it is a long speech, but I recommend it.

We make the common mistake to compare ourselves to people we admire profoundly and sometimes we get stuck in wondering why can't we have a little bit of what they have.
I tend to choose someone extremely talented to admire, so I can remind myself I will never come that close, it is a self-punishing thing, but since your goal is way too far, it is justified.
We focus too much in what we lack and allow us to fall into a "Teufelkreis". Not a single nice writing and the idea of a novel rarely being worked on. Not best times for the muses.

Half way to go.
It is winter, I have been leaving the house before sunset and made it back after sunset every day. Darkness and exhaustion. Guilty. Most of my hobbies have been put aside. Later.
And it will take some time.

Today's feelings:
Reconnecting to roots and the loved ones.
7 weeks is too long - finding