on the way back part II

The ones who know me know my softie side. They will probably understand.
I'm just not ready to face a new defeat, nonetheless when I allow some rays of hapiness to make their way through.
For nothing. Or to see it fade, Which reminds me of a quote from Depeche Mode (oh, those highschool days...), something similar applies:
"for fear that the spell may be broken"
I'm a good looser, at least at games, or in everything. I tend to
accept there is always someone that can do it better than me. That's why I tend not to to get involved in too exciting projects.
Not to dissapoint or be dissapointed. Temperament? Impulse? Oh yes, for all the wrong things.
Otherwise I am so disgustingly cautious I just see opportunities
flying away. The one thing I wanted so much and fought so much for I
didn't get it. I wasn't ready for anything else. My very improvised
plan B turned out to be a success. At least on the eyes of others. Or my family circle, who thought I was otherwise going to be a "bohemian" for life. If only...
Not for me. It's taken me a very long time to feel good in a new,
routinary and yet very schedule-chaotic life and I still don't really
feel it's me. I just keep busy enough not to think about it. It would
be depressing. But... is there an alternative? Maybe, but I'm chicken
shit. Remember the part of the projects. I couldn't set myself a new
plan and see it fail. I wasn't like this, because before I didn't
expect anything and didn't depend on anyone. So anything was welcome.