I used to be

You have no idea...
I was going through meaningful conversations, unfortunately once again analizing the sign of the times, that bit I always fought against, the one slapping you in the face...

I travelled once the Australian north coast with a drag queen and his 28 year old boyfriend, Max.
I remeber him so well... I remember at my 23s he kept repeating: when I was your age... I used to be/I used to do... That one person has remained in my mind because those 5 words stuck like a toffee as part of my memories.
And then, age apart I can kind of see myself telling to myself and only to myself: I used to be... To no interlocutor.
And then I remember my cigroneta explaining me, that depending who you expose yourself to you can reflect a totally different person and think: you ain't know me, some time ago in this same situation... Buf! Some time ago this wouldn't be happening, because I couldn't naturally care less. It is funny to see a similar self and act as the "I used to" and you se yourself acting as the one kind of person you thought you were so distant from, so not you.

Encrypted?
Pff, I am putting some thoughts in order, in chronological order, in the order of events and even against my principles, looking back to see where it all springs from.

Aah, reflective crap, cheap philosophy, but interesting to stop, think about it, have the time.
Time... and running that race against it. defying 2 years, getting the time back.
Just a few months wasted.
Not for long...
Incertesa, dolça incertesa...

Desalegorizando... o nada que esconder

Nada que esconder.
Los últimos años en NL han sido un viaje infernal a las cavidades del mundo de la soledad laboral. Ver morir un futuro y luchar por un presente que te presenta como la persona que no querías ser era la pajita corta que me salió como plan B, que me mostraba una nueva etapa, que no acogía con la ilusión de las otras.
Para animar el tema me enamoré perdidamente, pero ese amor solo traía sentimiento de culpabilidad y un dolor consigo que era como un reflejo contínuo de negatividad.
Tener a alguien en tu mente, en tu corazón, que no cree en ti, que te recuerda una y otra vez tus errores no era la guinda que necesitaba para decorar mi pastel. Más que un pastel era una plastaza de una materia que definiría como gris (qué ejemplo tan materializado cuando se derramó el cemento por las escaleras!) http://selveta.blogspot.com/2007_10_01_archive.html (1 OCT blog) y me engullía como si fuera la única persona en el mundo que tenía que encajar reveses en tiempo récord.
Las secuelas psicológicas, las emocionales ahí han quedado, ahí están, metafóricamente cicatrizando mientras encaro a alguien que ya se parece un poco más a la Selveta que conocía.

Pensar en esos meses, esos casi 2 años que se hicieron eternos todavía me conmociona. Estuve hace poco con mi familia y me di cuenta de que todavía no podía hablar del tema con ellos, que mencionarlo me hacia venir el maldito nudo, ese dolor que viene de la nada y me entra por la nariz y las lágrimas traidoras que apagan mi voz.
Prometí escribir sobre el tema para limpiarme en cierta manera y con mis escritos sublimar, matar esa rabia, ese odio a la suerte que nació en otros cuando decidí armarme de valor para cambiar la mía... Para mal.
En fin, ahi un pedacito de la rabia... Es la primera vez que la arrojo, así, al desnudo. No hace falta mencionar nada, nadie, se sabe.

Muchos me habrán visto en momentos duros de mi lucha (es fuerte decirlo), ni yo creía que sería capaz de caer.

A pesar de todo ahí estoy, después de haber pasado un merecido verano de segunda adolescencia (interrumpido por ocasionales contratiempos provocados por terceros). Después de esta efímera segunda adolescencia me siento adulta. Mucho más de lo que era antes de ser readolescente. He cambiado. Quizás porque me reflejo en un contraste a diario, y la imagen que me devuelve no me traiciona, aunque no es del todo quien quiero ser. Al fin y al cabo, sólo estoy descansando. Saliendo de la tormenta cualquier refugio es bueno... En mi subterfugio ya atisbo 'las goteras'.

Basta de alegorías.
Pongo al dia a aquellas personas que se interesan. Quería hacer un blog para escribir lo emocionante de la vida, para mantener a la gente que me importa al día y para dedicarle tiempo a escribir.

Ahora el blog se quiere convertir en un blog de viaje. De sensaciones... Porque si consigo ser quien quiero ser, habrá valido la pena sufrir.
No es tarde.
Dejo el trabajo, estoy intentando quitarme de encima propiedades para establecer prioridades...
Ya compré billete para viajar 3 meses. Y no es suficiente... Pero podré escaparme, perderme un poquito para buscarme.

Para las que he asustado con el tema 'pies de mono', sí, tengo intencion de plantarle cara. Y si lo llego a ver muchas cosas pueden pasar. Muchos cambios...
Y si no lo consigo, me quedará el mito. Y ya tengo ganas de enterrarlo.

Desafortunadamente a veces necesito a alguien que alimente mis emociones.
La palabra clave sigue siendo estimulación. La conseguí de una persona maravillosa, sólo que en negativo. Polos opuestos que se repelen cuando se acercan.

Hemos tardado, pero ya salí de la nube gris!

***********

En resumen: a la mierda un trabajo que no me llena. Ganas de empezar cosas nuevas, pero sumida tanto tiempo en mi caótica rutina que las perspectivas indican un esfuerzo nuevo, y por ente, una nueva etapa.
Un viaje por mi parte preferida del mundo, corto, pero la motivación más grande, el revulsivo que me ha ayudado a decidirme por un nuevo cambio.
Difícil salir de la vida establecida, de la seguridad. Noto la inCertidumbre, pero no me da miedo, por ahora, aunque no tengo comodín. No cuento con un apoyo si las cosas van a malas.
Ni debo esperarlo. Quiero reaprender que sólo depende de mi. Últimamente esta nueva sensación de bienestar emocional, tan olvidada quizás me ofusque.
Pero creo que he sentado las bases y espero ir por buen camino.

Traductores: Queda decir que el 2010 estrecharé lazos e intentaré resituarme en mi medio natural. Por supuesto espero contar con un poquito de apoyo... Alguna cosa saldrá... Digo yo.

for the ones who read it, and otherwise

I have been waiting very long to get here, so in a way instead of somehow writing for myself to keep some thoughts archived I will try my best to finally give it a use.
I wouldn't like to let the opportunity go and not be able to register all. See if it feels like before. Before was not even a year ago and it felt great.
At the moment I feel in transition for something very very big, very good to happen. But I have to make it happen.
Hope to be able to dedicate time and effort to writing. But open it up to share similar experiences.
A thought to be developed. Will come

I needed it

Thank you for the confirmation, the moment of anger, sorrow and the uncertainty.
Thanks to confirm that as life goes on, we loose the pure.
That I am doing the same and running away from me.

Thank you for the reality check and to bring me back and let me face my fear.

Thanks for making me more human and give me access to the Yang, to allow me get out of the euphoria-happiness-
sameness-missing crazyness.


Is great to have the loco, the weirdo back!

From what I have seen the last days I should not leave the house without a camera at hand's reach. Seeing a guy painting the green in one of my favourite decadence landscapes has made it.

Today's feelings:

Today there are feelings. Stingy. And I must admit I missed them

exes and axes

Why being stuck in an aeroport for 5 hours made me think of my relationship with vehicles and relationships remains a mystery to me.
On that lap of time, and after tired of reading nonsense easy literature, the thought that I was going to miss my bike upon my arrival to Barcelona slip by and started a trend of me counting all the vehicles I had lost because of the sharing trust of relationships, that are not meant to end, but end as such anyway. Positiveness remains... Except when it is about the vehicle...

I thought of my scooter, the last loss. How great it would be if my cigroneta and I would jump on one and scoop the city streets. Back again as one. I sort of leased it to my in-law as I didn't really need a scooter in NL. As it keeps happening I saw myself again, once his relationship ended, tempted to claim it back. I didn't do it, not to make things more complicated.

Vehicles. My faithful first car stayed with my then boyfriend to be caught by the police on day1 and decide not to use it anymore.
My gorgeous bike was smashed when I came back to Germany, smashed together with my relationship.

In the last and longest I was the one receiving vehicles. Finally. I had to renounce to my colt, well it wasn't mine, it was 'ours', I renounced to it hard hearted and was sold to a guy who managed to break it in a week. My then boyfriend told me he visited it in the scrapyard and the I better not see.

I managed to end this bit not really feeling like it, just to close the lap of thoughts that overcome me. I saw a link between my past relationships and my vehicles. In both cases I got attached to both, but the vehicles never made it my way.
I have to conclude with happy thoughts and admit that the axes broke. But in a way the exes built an axe.
If I had the choice I'd still leave the vehicle in the scrapyard and rescue the bit of goodness left of two people who once know each other very deeply and shared a path together.

Whatever the opinions, it still makes me feel good about myself. And that's what counts.

Ghosts in the room?

I don't know if I mentioned my sleeping room ghosts.
Now that the place looks better I get poltergeisted more than I would wish, but it is something I am living with. Hard to explain, it is quite a self manufactured vision, almost like the one with Woodstock in my previous life.
I believe the moment you think those shadows and noises come from somewhere else, they will. And it might be true if you conclude that energy never dies, but transforms.

After a night of shadows and voices I decided whatever I would dream in my dream would be what I shall do.
But in the dream I was sitting around trying to make people understand things.

It is not a dream, it is an everyday procedure...
(Oh, finally the tuna problem is hitting the newspapers, so it is probably too late.
Thanks everyone for caring so much for the only source of life we know exists)

being human with animals

There are things that are sensitive for humans, we still have ethic questions, which make sense: I am already tired of following the abortion debate on the news and tired to see men getting involved and making rules for what I believe to be women stuff.

The debate was triggered by very retarded comments from a member of the Spanish church. I know they will always be against it, that must remain their position due to beliefs and what not, but that particular priest dared saying that the sexual abuse some children had to suffer from priests is not as bad as the free choice of a woman to stop an UNwanted pregnancy.

The statement condemns them and invites to say 'no comment' or what is happening right now, a rain of reactions.

The funny thing that moved me to write something about it is the fact that while seeing the ongoing debate on the news I was having one of my week interests in cats, cat pregnancy and sterilisation.
A cat (but it applies to other animals/mammals) needs to be sterilised for different reasons: one of them is to avoid overpopulation and the other because more pregnancies can damage the cat's health and increase their risk of cancer. Of course they don't have a position towards it, so we decide the best for them.

While we are so condescendent with them and we sterilise them for their own sake, we also humanly put them to sleep when they are having a terminal disease or when they are handicapped.
I used to defend my animals like the Vatican and was against giving them up, but then again, putting them to sleep is stopping their suffering. I would still be confronted with such a decision, in part we want to stop their suffering as much as we want to stop ours...

When it comes to finishing a life we are much more human with animals than with humans themselves. There is no cruelty in that, the only point is that the animal has no choice, we make choices for them.

When a human chooses what is best for their lives and other's then the whole controversy kicks in: But, if it is a personal choice, what do we have to do about it? Isn't it that bit better (at least relieving) to take action on a request to stop someone form suffering than having to make a decision on someone who cannot decide any longer? (such as Eluana Englaro?)
I made my point on that once. If I was on a coma state I am sure I would be struggling and wouldn't want anyone to decide for me, but I would also not like to ruin other people's lives for one that most probably won't have a chance any longer.
Such a decision must be frigging hard.

In regards to pregnancy, how come people brings children into the world without regrets or without attending to consequences and not feel bad about those who are already born and are facing a chanceless life or most probably a very early death? Isn't letting a child die, that is already there not more cruel than responsibly choose to stop a process that will only bring misery? Like Max Frisch put in his piece, doesn't the fact that we don't do anything to stop a disaster make us part of the problem?

I used to think that in order to stop the misery in the 3rd world countries, women in them should be limited to 2 children and then be sterilised. I was wrong. That is not right if it is not their choice, and once sterilised it wouldn't stop the risk of sexual transmitted diseases or AIDS. In such case, information is the best option. What they can take to avoid unwanted pregnancies is a good start and I cannot think of a better ally than a condom. Not a gadget in history could save more lives. No chemicals, no interventions, one of the greatest inventions after the wheel. Forget the abstention. We know sex is for humans a basic need. We are not so driven than animals but it is part of our affective life. Unfortunately there are not enough lines to describe its boundaries. Something so natural has become a powerful weapon of suggestion, marketing and unfortunately often far from the concept of love and union.
How come the pope has the cold blood to condemn a condom? I can imagine the frustration of people, working for years trying to make some cultures understand, and there comes Mr holy man, who has no idea about sex or parenting and blows in a sentence a whole process, campaigns, the effort of people REALLY caring.
Man! When it comes to sex or pregnancy, they shouldn't allow them to open their mouths a bit. They have their position, ok, but we know already, they should keep it for themselves and concentrate on doing good deeds: provide food, money, love or spiritual guidance (although I also have my doubts on how beneficial or useful their beliefs are for humanity. I guess if they would just be able to transmit the strength that faith brings to people and keep it there, it could be of help: love and peace, that does not need a dogma). I guess they are frustrated, and cannot help but transmit their bitterness. Wrong, wrong, wrong... It will never be natural to be a spiritual guide and live surrounded of treasures in a man-only community. Men need women. A spiritual guide should have a family in order to be able talk about it.

The only abortion that should be definitely forbidden is the one against a woman's will.
It is impossible that a man will ever understand in their own skin what a difficult choice is, both deciding to keep an unwanted being, giving it away or deciding to stop it on time, and it is morally wrong to push someone against their will, whatever the outcome.

I am going way out of theme. There are things I just can't understand. They have no idea and only a woman should decide on that. Why don't they put the abortion subject to be voted exclusively by women? I would love to see the results.