sweet returns

Some months ago, I was leaving NL with a dream in my mind. The trip seemed to last forever and it was filled with uncertainty.
It feels I am writing backwards, looking back now on what I should have recorded then. I did, in my notebook, never published, I tought it was just going to be an unjustified fear. Who would have told me my dream was going to turn into a nightmare, and what to do with it?
Then I promised myself in Sydney, January 2011 to follow my intuition, to listen to my guts and act accordingly, against my rationalizing... on... and... on. Guts are right, and so are the facts. Sometimes the mind can be weak, trying to accommodate us in our dreamworld.

Part of my first weeks in my new environment consisted in sitting, sorrounded by brown and crimson, wondering on humanity, contradictory feelings, on how little one can do when one wants to do so much I was on my own. Well, worse than that.

- friendly reminder: even if you are a fighter, please consider that a surrender on time can be the best of victories.

My little bubble was too uncomfortable to stay in it, its explosion is going to make an awesome novel one day.

I left NL in one of my best Summers and upon return it seems it reconnects as if that Summer would have never ended. We are all a bit more tired and we are all fighting, struggling or giving it up, depending on the cause. We are most of us there creating that unique network of special people, giving light to this city that tends to be too dark, too often.

Upon arrival I felt part of that light. A part of a family.

It takes experiences to see people you love and think: no explanations needed. That's how we are and if that's who we are, that's how I love it.

contained emotion after fraud police

I haven't updated a single entry upon my arrival to NZ.
I accidentally became too focused on circumstances, forgetting about my life and the exciting notes I had taken during the inspiring AFP concerts. I will really have to add a reminder each time I see my focus shifting. It happens way too often.
AFP gave me the wake up call again after watching a video of a closing speech she gave where she mentions the "fraud police", it is a long speech, but I recommend it.



We make the common mistake to compare ourselves to people we admire profoundly and sometimes we get stuck in wondering why can't we have a little bit of what they have.
I tend to choose someone extremely talented to admire, so I can remind myself I will never come that close, it is a self-punishing thing, but since your goal is way too far, it is justified.
We focus too much in what we lack and allow us to fall into a "Teufelkreis". Not a single nice writing and the idea of a novel rarely being worked on. Not best times for the muses.

Half way to go.
It is winter, I have been leaving the house before sunset and made it back after sunset every day. Darkness and exhaustion. Guilty. Most of my hobbies have been put aside. Later.
And it will take some time.


Today's feelings:
Reconnecting to roots and the loved ones.
7 weeks is too long - finding

INTRO in BEING

Seems people know little about NZ. No wonder. It is a remote island in the ass of the ass of the world, colonized by whites and functioning surprisingly occidental.

Here I am entering a well deserved intellectually oriented hiatus in a country I believe has a very encouraging level of literacy, education and a decent average IQ.

While I was looking for accommodation I bumped into the blog of a possible host. One of his posts really summarized my Shaekesperean interest to prevail in memory, leave written proof behind, to live after death.
He wondered about the possibilities, to be or not to be referring to a stationary situation where, although being established, you feel it is not really where you want to stay, set roots, it's not quite you... (hence to be or not to be).

The tricothomy between love, life and work was very well fetched and made me empathise with it.
I need not speak much about work, I am still celebrating managing not to work for one year. 2011 will be another one, and then work has to make its way... And I am putting my energy in, for once, trying to get a rewarding job. Make a career out of my hobby.

The question about the personal attitude towards life involved for a while the three factors
below. This is how it sort of looks like for me:

Work: In the worst of cases it will remain just work.
Love and being loved: will never be easy.
Friends: they also need to find their place in life, which is not always by my side.

Each of us are responsible of our own life.
After my long pondering between "to be" or "not to be" I decided to take a new course of my life...
Far away from the love, the friends and the work.

I've decided to stay in the other side of the world.

Hello to my new home: New Zealand!

gràcies, merci, danke, bedankt

2010 is over.
A year full of amazing experiences and emotions. A year where I had the opportunity to change the path I was on and instead of travelling around dared to slowly start taking a trip within myself. It has just began... my steps are still tiny, but they point ahead.

I am thankful I met people who make me want to go on and give meaning to every single step. Lucky me.

Thank you to my family, because you are by my side and you are understanding. I know I can be challenging and often I wish I was just sitting in the living room, sipping Penedès, laughing.
I am glad you take me as I am and lately, were able to listen so openly to things I didn't dare saying and didn't judge, you supported me and understood my pain. I feel so relieved and so proud of having you!

My second family in Germany... What can I say. Kieferland, can't wait to see you again. "Los Ulf", you always encourage me! Come visit soon!

I am grateful to have met the most amazing 4 women earth has seen: my sister, my girlfriend and my two "redheads" in Amsterdam. Thanks for that 24th of July. You opened my eyes. I truly love you and love the connection we have. I love talking to Bego and miss her when it's been a few days. Pats, you right see through me. I am glad you put those symbolic toothpicks in my eyes whenever I don't want to open them. Ik ben wel stoer, hoor!

Along the path, I have met people that made the challenge worth.
Thank you Fede, so unique the chemistry between the two of us. We explored our deepest emotions and our so antagonistic lives. Thanks for letting me peep into your life and let me bore you with my morning of juice, Lala and avocado ;-). I am proud to be called your older sister.

I am thankful of my Hühner, because we together can be one messy stall, and I love every colourful minute with you. I cross my fingers for our next Hühnerhaufen. I need them.
With it I am thankful of all the extraordinary people I once met in Germersheim and the very close tights we have, as we all share the same passion. There are no other people who understand the context, cotext and the hidden speech acts better in one single gesture and a minimum of 4 different languages at a time! Ah, we speak the same language(s)... Us sweet freaks.

Thanks CREA to allow me meet the most interesting individuals who opened me to many more possibilities. Thank you Arnica, my guru. Thank you Manu, through you I met the amazing "Inside" crew.

I thank our trip to Brasil, Leo. So inspiring. The music, the poetry, the writing and the routines we developed. I know you still miss my facial exercises (ha-ha-haaaa).
Thanks Chico for introducing us to two admirable and amazingly strong men, who fight for their right to love without "preconceitos".

Thanks for this Summer and the moments we have spent, the whole Amsterdam and NL bunch. Too many names and so many backgrounds. Simply: We have shared a lot and I really treasure the years during which we all have evolved.

Thanks Hilary for being the wise voice that soothed my emotions, the voice of experience. You are a lovely human being.

Thanks July for that bit of heaven that came to my apartment from the US. Those 10 days of living together in love, harmony, wine and yummy food. I am sure we learnt a lot from each other... And we had lots of fun in the process!

Thank you Lucas. I am glad you let me peep into the past and helped me leave it behind to make me realize of a bright future ahead.

... Thanks to the lovely 'strangers' in Auckland from whom I found a helping hand to find my way back when I didn't know where I was. My gratitude is big, I'll be there when you need me.

... Thanks to the couple of intense days in a real home where I could talk to the person with the warmest heart ever, the one who could empathise and helped me solve a puzzle pointing me at the missing pieces.

My new life references in OZ I am sure I still have so much more to share with. Nick, that easy connection we have... I just can't get enough of it! skydiving next on the list!

Sergi, sure we don't need each other as much as before, but I will still share my deepest secrets with you.
My friends in Barcelona. I am thankful we have kept our connection all these years. I am thankful I have you. You belong to my roots.

Aerial roots the song said. I am so thankful to have the opportunity and so happy to start 2011 down under, and stay for an extended period of time this time.
I always wanted to give it a go. It took some effort, but it was well worth it.

Requiem

This is a short post to remember the most amazing person ever met.

When a person decides to end up their life it is inevitable that some anger flows through from the ones they left behind, sometimes is hard to understand the reasons that lead you to do it, you had it all, but it didn't seem enough to make you happy. When you took your life away, you took part of mine with it, I have to respect your choice as I won't get to see you ever to ask you why, and I wasn't there, I couldn't be there to stop it. No one could...

In memoriam. You will be missed.

Forgiven, but not forgotten, I shall miss you wherever you are now.

Things I can do with my tongue

Spend a Saturday night home, sleepless but sleep drunk and think about that scene in Twin Peaks where that friend of Laura Palmer does a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth... A technique I like to practice with chewing gum.

So I started thinking of THINGS I CAN DO WITH MY TONGUE


It seems to be genetic and not everyone can do it, I found that out at university (things you learn at uni)


One side


Other side


Reverse

Just a sample
So, how was your Saturday night?

When everything around me started spinning, when I was praying the Universe to change things for the better, a rain of signs came in a very brief lapse of time.
Some small details, that wouldn’t have much meaning in other moments, in that context, suddenly, became little winks in the form of slight details.



ABUNDANCE

telling me I wasn’t going to reach it approaching empty sources.

“Andar hacia los pozos no quita la sed” – Nuevo pequeño catálogo de seres y estares

I sat in this little tent with a monk. He lets me pull an angel card: abundance. A reminder?

- Do you know what that means? He asks.
- You have it in front of your nose, and it is not the card:
“what are you afraid of?”.
- I am getting nothing, less than that, I replied, remembering last year's mantra.
- Nothing to loose, then.

If thirsty, stop drilling for water in empty wells.