A trip further into my karma downspiral. One of the worst case scenarios.
I was expecting some results. Well, they came like a ball of lead on my heavy head.
I am growing elephant skin. And bloddy Confutius says it can still get worse!
14 de juliol 2008
03 de juliol 2008
how we identify
I wish the writing would take place one a month. In between I've had of course a deserved break of holidays and even though being quite an Internet junkie I am still not one of those who goes around carrying their computer wherever they go.
I still have a sense of manual writing.
For the ones who care it is all a hecktik and consumining life and the moment you lower the guard, bam! Anything strikes back. It keeps me busy. I gained the strength and even though I would much rather be busy with other things and at least have the illusion of feeling happy I'd much rather go through this whole nerve-wrecking situation than facing enough free time and have time to think and feel lonely. I fear it.
No news for the day, and this is rather a proof of life and update.
Two little points:
- Poker? I have never known how to bluff and I feel rather unconfortable lying.
So I will have to bluff to prevent lying.
- I feel unconfortable being lied to. I invite people tell the truth, I
can embrace it with a better feeling of knowing that both the potential liar and
the "liee" will now feel much relieved. At least I do.
- And holding to this thesis, I still believe in truth, which makes me partly a
liar, because in the end... I am a skeptic. I am going to read Descartes these
days, see if it enlights me.
It's a big day today. And I am 30 min away to get very important results. I will share.
I still have a sense of manual writing.
For the ones who care it is all a hecktik and consumining life and the moment you lower the guard, bam! Anything strikes back. It keeps me busy. I gained the strength and even though I would much rather be busy with other things and at least have the illusion of feeling happy I'd much rather go through this whole nerve-wrecking situation than facing enough free time and have time to think and feel lonely. I fear it.
No news for the day, and this is rather a proof of life and update.
Two little points:
- Poker? I have never known how to bluff and I feel rather unconfortable lying.
So I will have to bluff to prevent lying.
- I feel unconfortable being lied to. I invite people tell the truth, I
can embrace it with a better feeling of knowing that both the potential liar and
the "liee" will now feel much relieved. At least I do.
- And holding to this thesis, I still believe in truth, which makes me partly a
liar, because in the end... I am a skeptic. I am going to read Descartes these
days, see if it enlights me.
It's a big day today. And I am 30 min away to get very important results. I will share.
16 de maig 2008
05 de maig 2008
curt
The worst thing of getting to know one's previously ignored acts is to be able to recognize the simptoms, the future moves and the consequences.
I am at this very moment acting passive-aggressivity out, out of spite, and due to lack of active-aggressive ressources. I don't like to have to and I hate to detect it, damn!
And knowing I am digging my own grave by doing it (because I so very know the consequences), I make a call and shout:
Somebody do f*** something about it, I don't like to be left as a 'later' option: unanswered questions, vague remarks... No feedback. Words that don't deliver and no actions.
The funniest thing about my attitude towards it is that from the very beginning I know for a fact it is a resentful act that only accumulates hatry and negativity. Since it is passive, it reflects and bounces back stronger, right on my face, because I am sensitive and all. Give it a few months and I will be anxious and down.
And still, man! How can I do it any other way?
Beware the passive-aggressiveness. I don't want to, but I can't do better. Hope I am wrong, and something will be done. I am awaiting action, awaiting is passive, the frustration, aggressive.
Today's feelings:
Cuddled with a fury cat, it felt great, but my nose itches.
Waisting time
Confusion: the Homer Simpson way, I don't know, but I don't care (so far)
Confesion: I know too much I shouldn't know, but it is too late now.
I am at this very moment acting passive-aggressivity out, out of spite, and due to lack of active-aggressive ressources. I don't like to have to and I hate to detect it, damn!
And knowing I am digging my own grave by doing it (because I so very know the consequences), I make a call and shout:
Somebody do f*** something about it, I don't like to be left as a 'later' option: unanswered questions, vague remarks... No feedback. Words that don't deliver and no actions.
The funniest thing about my attitude towards it is that from the very beginning I know for a fact it is a resentful act that only accumulates hatry and negativity. Since it is passive, it reflects and bounces back stronger, right on my face, because I am sensitive and all. Give it a few months and I will be anxious and down.
And still, man! How can I do it any other way?
Beware the passive-aggressiveness. I don't want to, but I can't do better. Hope I am wrong, and something will be done. I am awaiting action, awaiting is passive, the frustration, aggressive.
Today's feelings:
Cuddled with a fury cat, it felt great, but my nose itches.
Waisting time
Confusion: the Homer Simpson way, I don't know, but I don't care (so far)
Confesion: I know too much I shouldn't know, but it is too late now.
03 de maig 2008
Maripreocupacions
Hostia,
It is going over me. Everyone. From the events last year I can say I noticed I got older. I see the signs, some are flattering, and the ones that are not...
The most obvious sign resides in the ability to be worried about external factors, and I call it the Maripreocupations sign. I've always been aware of others but was never before so worried about people, on how they feel or how to try to make them feel better.
I noticed too many things I think can be wrong, and also took the time to look at my 'belly' and let people access it and guide me through. Believe me if I say, I didn't worry about that before.
I gave up fighting over more enviromental matters, the macrouniverse, and decided to begin with the microuniverse, a much more emotional trip.
Humankind has a distinguished touch of not listening unless there is a reward or a punishment involved. Of what we are doing to the world... Nobody cares, we stick to our own business and try to get the best out of it. Maybe I am trying to approach that attitude, and if it should make other people happy... Marypreocupations is maybe not made for it.
I observe... And suffer. I try not to complain too much, bacause I am not always right. What a vicious circle.
I am trying not chat people up in shops and tell them how bad it is to consume tuna, I let the guys who did some work in my appartment fill out bin bags without separating paper from stone but can't help to bite my tongue in despair. I still notice, you know?
I let them mind their microuniverse and don't try to remove them from their limited frame.
In the meantime I work out a couple of rough corners, as I slowly crawl out of the grey cloud. Let's get priorities sorted.
Have I also become more introvert??? Meeee???
If this post doesn't explain the title of this blog, who knows what will.
It is going over me. Everyone. From the events last year I can say I noticed I got older. I see the signs, some are flattering, and the ones that are not...
The most obvious sign resides in the ability to be worried about external factors, and I call it the Maripreocupations sign. I've always been aware of others but was never before so worried about people, on how they feel or how to try to make them feel better.
I noticed too many things I think can be wrong, and also took the time to look at my 'belly' and let people access it and guide me through. Believe me if I say, I didn't worry about that before.
I gave up fighting over more enviromental matters, the macrouniverse, and decided to begin with the microuniverse, a much more emotional trip.
Humankind has a distinguished touch of not listening unless there is a reward or a punishment involved. Of what we are doing to the world... Nobody cares, we stick to our own business and try to get the best out of it. Maybe I am trying to approach that attitude, and if it should make other people happy... Marypreocupations is maybe not made for it.
I observe... And suffer. I try not to complain too much, bacause I am not always right. What a vicious circle.
I am trying not chat people up in shops and tell them how bad it is to consume tuna, I let the guys who did some work in my appartment fill out bin bags without separating paper from stone but can't help to bite my tongue in despair. I still notice, you know?
I let them mind their microuniverse and don't try to remove them from their limited frame.
In the meantime I work out a couple of rough corners, as I slowly crawl out of the grey cloud. Let's get priorities sorted.
Have I also become more introvert??? Meeee???
If this post doesn't explain the title of this blog, who knows what will.
16 de març 2008
denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
Oh no, I casually stumble upon the Kübler-Ross model, very interesting, and realize again I am missing a stage: anger. and that pisses me off!
No time to write these days, it is a pity. But also you wouldn't like to hear of very boring routine, right? You have enough with yours.
Will come up with something, once I have a decent internet connection. My good 'old ongoing issue with providers...
Oh, for the records, I am purchasing my first TV. Don't feel too good about it, but I will make sure it serves my PC. It is a purchase per request, FYI.
No time to write these days, it is a pity. But also you wouldn't like to hear of very boring routine, right? You have enough with yours.
Will come up with something, once I have a decent internet connection. My good 'old ongoing issue with providers...
Oh, for the records, I am purchasing my first TV. Don't feel too good about it, but I will make sure it serves my PC. It is a purchase per request, FYI.
04 de febrer 2008
the one with the kids
I was back home these days. And I am not using the word "home" loosely.
I scared the crap out of my parents. I am sorry. I have this "she is so tough" reputation and I saw them frozen and speechless when I broke down on the eating table and I was pushed to explain in tears a bursting very short version of my worries. I think I needed little talk for my face spoke for itself. And my grief. For once I saw them looking and listening to me instead of the TV. I still feel a bit ashamed I couldn't control those sudden emotions, but that was how I felt and I think they empathised and I am so thankful they showed understanding. It also needed little talking on their side.
I am sleepless after a few too many wines at a little gathering I did with friends.
Another funny feeling. A friend said he would pop in with the kids. This whole family thing got me. He walked in and kissed me and the kids right after. I had made a soup and the house smelled yummy. I got back in a milisecond that warm family feeling I got when I cried on the table, a couple of days prior to that, back home. Not considering myself much of an entertainment for kids (also ironic considering the amount of them I have entertained for hours back in my Au-Pair days) I didn't really know if I was being a bit of a bore. There was food and booze, but I had a few snacks, funny fizzy sodas or games...
But somehow we turned the venue into a crazy "changing eye colour party". I have to say my friend "the therapist" was there and her bubbly personality made its part of the spontanious idea.
It was fun just to see the kids so amazed.
The idea of wrapped little humans and the helpless little toddlers you have to run behind is not so appealing. But they grow.
My visit had the perfect age, when you can talk to them , they have criteria and they get just about the essential message, they can do things on their own and their personality is already taking shape. I like kids exactly the moment they start being independent. Maybe that was my mum's little hell, but I like to see them on their way to leaving the nest some day.
Look how cool this pict is. The kid wanted to leave just "one eye". It has its geniuos. He found it quite cool so.
Too late to have kids and too late to live with a bunch of adults. A loose though of today's adultescents - the 30-somethings.
I still miss the days in the student flat, always full of people, full of life and those characters you confront your personality with. And that also fits in my idea of a family, I am not so square. The conventional conception is best to fit the consuming world, and capitalism of course. But my Hühner in that shabby house were my family too. Had to say.
I scared the crap out of my parents. I am sorry. I have this "she is so tough" reputation and I saw them frozen and speechless when I broke down on the eating table and I was pushed to explain in tears a bursting very short version of my worries. I think I needed little talk for my face spoke for itself. And my grief. For once I saw them looking and listening to me instead of the TV. I still feel a bit ashamed I couldn't control those sudden emotions, but that was how I felt and I think they empathised and I am so thankful they showed understanding. It also needed little talking on their side.
I am sleepless after a few too many wines at a little gathering I did with friends.
Another funny feeling. A friend said he would pop in with the kids. This whole family thing got me. He walked in and kissed me and the kids right after. I had made a soup and the house smelled yummy. I got back in a milisecond that warm family feeling I got when I cried on the table, a couple of days prior to that, back home. Not considering myself much of an entertainment for kids (also ironic considering the amount of them I have entertained for hours back in my Au-Pair days) I didn't really know if I was being a bit of a bore. There was food and booze, but I had a few snacks, funny fizzy sodas or games...
But somehow we turned the venue into a crazy "changing eye colour party". I have to say my friend "the therapist" was there and her bubbly personality made its part of the spontanious idea.
It was fun just to see the kids so amazed.
The idea of wrapped little humans and the helpless little toddlers you have to run behind is not so appealing. But they grow.
My visit had the perfect age, when you can talk to them , they have criteria and they get just about the essential message, they can do things on their own and their personality is already taking shape. I like kids exactly the moment they start being independent. Maybe that was my mum's little hell, but I like to see them on their way to leaving the nest some day.
Look how cool this pict is. The kid wanted to leave just "one eye". It has its geniuos. He found it quite cool so.
Too late to have kids and too late to live with a bunch of adults. A loose though of today's adultescents - the 30-somethings.
I still miss the days in the student flat, always full of people, full of life and those characters you confront your personality with. And that also fits in my idea of a family, I am not so square. The conventional conception is best to fit the consuming world, and capitalism of course. But my Hühner in that shabby house were my family too. Had to say.
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