slowly over

Still sick after eating airport food. Hard to push myself to go to work, but now it is as if traveling would have never happened. Came back and the same darkness, sadness and hopelessness overwhelmed me.
But this time I feel much better, so I am a stage further.

The latter is positive, because it gives a bit of light at the end of the tunnel.
Maybe the fact that I have hardly eaten in days is connected to the whole cleaning process and lets you think clearer.

Leaving the body aside my soul is still rotty. I guess it is all connected. The other day once again after a cold and rainy bike ride I blamed it on this country. Stopped on the top of a canal and shouted it out loud: I hate this place!
It is killing me, ever since I came I lost all the most important things to me. But I have no place to go. I don't know where.
I cling to those references in life, people that make you happy, make you think you are worth it. The ones I had closest and helped me go on in this routinary chaos slowly somehow withdrawn. With that joy of mine of being expectant to go back to restful arms I had my little reason to live. What is life then otherwise? You have to look forward to something, to someone.
Without it you can imagine. Yes, I am here and I do things every day but I might as well be dead and you wouldn't notice the difference. I just don't know how to get out of this and nobody saves me. I had my saving boat, my island to recover. But we cannot expect other people to be a reason for you to feel happy, can you? What if they turn you down? then you can't be happy at all.

Being rejected is one of the most horrendous way a person can feel together with ignored. Nothing good with becoming acquainted with a new sensation. Maybe only the part that I know I will never do that to anyone. It is not my character anyway. I bind to persons for life. I don't understand how something can change from knowing someone you know you can rely upon and share your bits in life to becoming a ghost.

Miss infinite teas, films, soundtracks, cuddles.
Mostly the looking forward to something, sharing small bits, being part.
I guess I will have to travel more and maybe, maybe one day I won't come back...