Revelations from the Luminate tent

Winter 2017, Golden Bay. NZ. 

I had signed up to volunteer for a team of healers to find my call. As a healer myself I regret not really believing in less empirical or more spiritual forms of healing in order to make it an extra salary of something different and less physically demanding. 
 What I encountered there was the very face of my esceptic nature and a lot more vanity around than I could handle. 
If days were hard to ignore, nights were the worst. I'd sleep in a tent, and mind you, to have a bit of insulation I had bought an air mattress. I was sleeping in a second hand bag, old school made of wool, all my clothing on top, a blanket from a neighbour and the cape of the tarot reading witch who slept in a caravan. Still, the temperature would drop to under 5 degrees and I couldn't handle the cold, that was numbing my legs. I had pitched next to a bunch of Kiwis, who seemed nice enough. I had made friends with a guy in his 40s, with whom i could take walks in the woods instead of taking drugs, dancing to electro ear-raping noise or spending the night howling (must have been the drugs, people howled all night). During the day I would be, as usual, the responsible adult covering shifts for my "I'm so high this is awesome" co-volunteers, running around to make sure everyone had coffee and slowly dreading a vibe everyone loved but me. 
Moved from the Kiwis when a German pitched two days later in the middle of our tents with his car and his smelly joint smoking self. I had to go. 
I moved to the spot where the sun would hit last, to suffer the least during the night, when I would get muscle cramps and feel rusty, in pain, uneasy. I cried so many nights, while the vanity-ridden crowd howled and all I wanted was that it all ended.

Quan penses que el viatge ha valgut la pena, per aprendre,
la nit escup gel i  tremolor.

And when the noise, the smells and the sensations were unbearable, I would take my notebook and write mantras like:

What doesn't make you better doesn't serve you.
Aquest es llença, no es recicla.
Indiference will be your condemnation.

Damn! I really couldn't wait for it to end...

I was approached by many people daily, since I was there, arranging appointments for the healers, and the common question was: how are you enjoying this festival? My answer was: I can't wait for it to end. 
Nobody understood. 
In the meantime I attended a lot of workshops and made great contacts in the hopes to build an Earthship to raise a commune.  

Time went and possibilities dropped, contacts faded. 
I realise where I am now and how much distance you take from dreams, when you are struggling with reality.