07 de juny 2017

The magic of the 4 word STAY

Fraiser Island. Einzelgänger. Dispersa. Absent. Empanada. Peroxided, clueless.

Hit by the force of a very simple statement that haunts me constantly. That word that has the most impact on me, freezes my blood and gets me back to that Ferry ride to Cairns. That changed my outlook and changed me forever.

A four letter word: Stay.
Inspired by AFP's structure of her addictive "Bed Song" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sW4dwXXX7Q, the story of the word in key points that made me leave my birthplace in a cloudy mess of unmanageable emotions, as it does:

Exhibit A
You sit and enjoy the company of old friends. And it comes again. And you have to repress an incontrollable torrent of emotions that you are absolutely incapable of controlling. That controls you. But the brain kicks in to explain that. And fails miserably.


Exhibit B
Four in the morning. I get new audio message. It ends with the following words:
"I need you in my life. Please, don't go again. Please stay".
It burns my eyes, I am going to blow off from so much love. I can't manage how I feel, I have problems managing my emotions, I am somehow crippled in letting some feelings just be. I just can't deal with it. Because I don't know the way to make it stop. Because I am not ready, I don't have that emotional vulnerability to process it.

Exhibit C
Two days later. Sitting on the garden table. Girlie day. Beauty session. We are all giggles, 3 generations, the lightness of the being.
I might be so touched by the 4-letter word because I am the one with most impediments to comply...
Ouch, it falls on top of the audio message at 4 AM days before, like a recurring message I need not hear. I take a picture of her covered in chocolate, she takes a picture of me wearing a rubbish bag with gloves on. Laughs, it's about to come... looks at me and says:
"I feel grounded since you are around" "A part of me makes me feel safe" "everyone who knows me has noticed it". "I so would love you to stay".

You won't read this, I know. l though I rationally verbalised how deeply it touched me and managed to keep my face composed, taking the happy part of the statement.  You didn't realise of the background processes loading. Fraser Island, 4Am, emotional crippled chosen self-punishment to feel alive, even that night in Waiheke after watching "Being John Malkovich"... 
Because I would so love that very moment would be forever now. and because I know I won't...


... For now. Until all my lives align in one place. If ever.

Ferry from Fraiser Island. I have just changed a plane ticket to fly off the same day, because I can't process the intensity of new discovered feelings. Because I had never believed the in the"stay" concept. Everything I was experiencing was so new and so scary, I had to go away. And then you said:
"I have never felt like this before" "I need you near" "please stay".

And I stayed, and I never regretted it. I was willing to stay forever. It seemed so easy.
And forever lasted what forever does, short, nothing is eternal. And only after I left again I realised how good it did to stay.
This word haunts me.

And that was all it took for me to do it. To stay, to stay committed to be there. To surrender to the urge to flee all those emotions before they sank in. You asked me to. And I stayed once. 
It was so easy. I felt grounded. I had an island, the peace of belonging, a life support.

I wish I could say that once. I wish I would mean it. I wish it could be real. I commited to stay in my soul place, tried all options, sacrificed career paths, sold my life to government rules and it didn't work.

Maybe there is not a place to stay. And that made me ponder of collecting all those stories of people who feel home is a temporary place to gather energies to move on.