I once was looking over a cliff arounf Watson's Bay in Sydney and the thought came, that I would rather jump off that cliff than returning to Europe.
When circumstances pointed to an irreversible situation I went through a very tough Kübler-Ross-ish process of grief to accept my defeat.
And once back, Central Europe life was so not like my sunny life Down Under...
The idea of being in NL again was so overwhelming, that I chose to try a come back my country of citizenship. It was the best option by elimination. Looking back I did try hard to acclimatise, to readapt to the culture, to rediscover me and the landscapes of my roots, to find places to thrive and feel useful, to face major disappointments and to send love and laugh to all of that.
I got the cold feet. I saw no way out in the Human Rights conflict in Spain. The idea of letting go of my apartment was too overwhelming. I once painffully let go of my life in Germany. I keep working on accepting that I had to leave Sydney against my will. I am not ready to let go of the Amsterdam foreign local me. But first and foremost I am not ready to let go of my headquarters. It is the only walled home I have. It is cosy and welcoming. And open. Anyone can come stay and feel home for a while, too.
I still dislike the weather, proof are my regular recordings of weather-induced frustration. I often just made videos of the street in disbelief of a sky so saturated of clouds that it hardly lets any light in. I am very lucky I grew up with sunny days 300 days a year.
I have a memory of the terribly depressed corporative-me the 6 months of Winter. The wine, the carbs, the sorrow, the chronic sleepiness...
Against my predicitons and if I look at my healthy habits (my addiction to Brussel sprouts is almost offensive) you could say there is a quantum leap. I thank all to the freedom from office work. I love teaching but the Monday to Friday, 8 to 3 + eternity in correcting and preparing, the predictably high season holidays and still rather Judeochristian-influenced family values (#becomingliberal) was the worst of it.
I had some peace riding the bike at night along the Amstel and I thought about my so extraordinary life. Riding close to water was refreshing my mind. And singing on the bike ended with a blatant pharyngitis, out of singing to the moon in bliss.
My goal remains, but it has been improved. Who says you can't choose where to live for the seasons? I feel I'm going through the best moment of my life and I am welcoming these oncoming years full of freedom and free of burden.
